Haunting You - Boys of Tommen

The Funeral

"Did Some Force Take You, Because I Didn't Pray?" - Taylor Swift

April 16th, 2000

Lizzie:

"Sorry for your loss"

"She's in a better place now"

"We're so sorry, if there's anything we can do, let us know"

"She was such a great girl, she'll be greatly missed."

"She'll be in our prayers."

"Your sister is with the angels now"

"May she rest in peace"

"We are gathered here today"

"Caoimhe Young was a daughter, a sister, and a friend"

"I can't imagine what you and your family are going through right now"

"She's with God now"

"Today we gather to honour her life and to support her family in their time of grief"

"She had such a bright future, what a shame"

"Liz, are you alright?"

"I'll ask now for Caoimhe's family to speak"

"Thank you so much for attending"

"She's in heaven now"

"Did you hear what they're saying about that Allen Boy?"

"She'll always be with us, we'll keep her alive in our memories"

"My daughter Caoimhe was truly an amazing young woman"

"Gone too soon"

"I heard the note wasn't enough"

"She's probably smiling down at all of us right now"

"If you would do the honours"

"I'm going to miss her so much, she was my best friend"

"We dropped off a casserole at your house last week"

"The loss of a sister is like nothing else"

"Liz, look at me"

"Do you think it's true?"

"My deepest condolences for your loss"

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

"Did you see how she used to prance around in that little Tommen skirt, what was she expecting?"

"Liz."

"On behalf of the Young family"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"Is something wrong with her?"

"Liz, where are you going?"

"God works in mysterious ways"

"Could the family members please join me to carry the deceased"

"It's a shame, she was such a beautiful girl"

"Lizzie, we have to follow them outside"

The words scrambled in my brain, every word and prayer and piece of gossip swirled in my mind, until I felt wholly trapped within my own thoughts.

I needed everyone to just stop talking, I couldn't hear myself think over the constant chatter, the meaningless words they said to me, to each other. It was all bullshit, none of them knew her.

Only, I knew her and now I wasn't so sure I ever had. 

My head felt so full, I thought I might scream in front of everyone in this church, all of these supposed mourners.

Until I felt him. 

Hugh's arms were around me, encircling me and I could finally fucking breathe. 

"It's okay" and when he said it, I felt like it might be. 

"I don't want to go out there." The church was empty now, everyone having followed the carrying of the coffin to the gravesite. 

"You have to, you'll regret it if you don't say goodbye to Caoimhe." Hugh responds, always the voice of reason.

"That's not Caoimhe, she's not in that box, she's gone." I say, tears pooling in my eyes, "and me watching a corpse in a box getting dropped into the dirt isn't going to bring her back."

"She's not just a corpse, Liz." Hugh responded, tears in his own eyes now, mirroring mine.

"She is to me."

"She's not gone, Liz."

"Yes she is, I can't stand everyone telling me that she's in a better place or how 'God is working in mysterious ways' because no God of mine would have taken her from me."

"Liz, don't say things like that."

"Why? It's how I feel, God didn't help me, God didn't save my sister, he took her and I won't subscribe to some ideology that worships something that took her from me." I'm yelling now, and I don't care. "Who put that monster on this earth, who put him here at the same time as her."

Hugh just holds my sobbing frame, and I want more than anything to push him away, at least I would feel something other than this dull ache of numbness that's settled into my bones, but I can't quite find the strength. So we just remain like that, we eventually make our way to the graveyard and I drop a rose into the large hole in the ground, but the whole time I just focus on Hugh. 

It's not like I'm not paying attention to Caoimhe, all I ever think about is her. But she's not here, I won't say goodbye to this box, because she's gone.

I never got to say goodbye to her, and I won't substitute it for this. I will live the rest of my life, with words left unsaid, because she took that away from me. Because he took that away from me.

Thanks for reading!  - H <3