Haunting You - Boys of Tommen

Worse

TW: Depictions of Self Harm In This Chapter

"Another conversation with nothing good to say" - Olivia Rodrigo

June 30th, 2000

Lizzie:

It had been two months since Caoimhe died and it's getting worse. I'm getting worse.

I can't get through the day with causing myself some type of pain, and everything has just been too much. 

I've never hidden anything from Hugh, and now I feel so ashamed for what I'm doing to myself, if he knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I could imagine the look in his eyes and I wouldn't recover, from him seeing me like that. 

"Liz, are you going to come to the party?" Claire asked me, pulling me out of my head.

"Um, I can't, my Mam needs help with something," the lies are becoming easier to spew, I barely even have to put effort into them anymore. 

"Ugh, okay what about you Shan?"

Shannon looks around nervously, as if someone is going to jump out at her at any given time, "um, I have to watch my little brothers tonight."

"Can't your parents do that, or Joey?" Claire practically begs.

"Uh, no, Joey has a hurling match, and my Da's taking him, and my Ma's working."

"Uggghhhh," Claire drawls. "You two can never do anything, and I'm stuck with my stupid brother and his friends."

"Hey, Hugh isn't stupid," I defend immediately. 

"Oh, of course, I apologize for offending your lover boy, but to me, he is my stupid and unneedly protective eejit of a big brother."

"He has reason to protect you," I reply, we don't bring up my animosity for her precious Gerard, but it kills me that she would choose him over me.

Claire bristles, "no he doesn't."

"Okay, guys let's not fight," Shannon offers, and I pity her, that she has to moderate so many of our conversations, in order to avoid all out war.

"Sorry Shan," Claire replies sheepishly and I nod in agreement. 

"What's the party for anyway?" Shannon asks.

"Oh, it's for the end of the year, to celebrate it, it's at the boys' new friend's house, he plays rugby with them, apparently he's really good," Claire explains. "Are you sure, you can't come Liz? I really don't want to be the only person still in primary school there."

"Is he going to be there?" I ask, coldly. 

 "You know he will be, but so will Hugh and you can just ignore Gerard." 

"Don't fucking say his name, Claire!" I blow up suddenly, and I hate seeing how my friends shrink in reaction, Shannon especially, she's flinching as if I'm about to hit her or something. She was like that, it seemed like she was always in anticipation of an attack or something, and it wasn't that she was ready to fight, but more prepared to brace herself. I think her older brother Joey, who's at BCS now is the same, except he's always ready for a fight, even when there isn't one, he'll make one. 

"Liz, you can't expect me to do that," Claire responds, looking sheepish.

"Whatever," I say, as I storm off, we still had a couple hours of school after our lunch period was over, and I would apologize to them then, when I had cooled off. It was the last day of the school year, and I knew that Shannon would most likely not be able to hang out over the summer, and I didn't want to leave it like that for two months. 

I found myself in a bathroom stall, and held my arms out to hold myself up against the cubicle walls, so I could catch my breath, and ended up sliding down the wall, and cupping my hands over my eyes. 

I was filled with so much hate and sadness it felt like a physical weight that was holding me down, bringing me further into the water, and slowly drowning me. 

I unzipped my backpack and found the pencil sharpener hidden in my pencil case, I made quick of detaching the small blade from the school supply. I peeled up the bandaid I had on my forearm and made small precise cuts, some fresh and some reopening the past cuts I had made. 

Once, again I repeated the familiar phrase in my mind, "this is the last time." It never was, but it brought me peace of mind, to be delusional enough to believe I could get through a day without that addictive feeling. 

I could feel all of the negative emotions, leave my body as I pressed the small blade into my already scarred flesh, and let out a sigh at the relief and comfort it brought me.

When the bell rang, I refastened my bandaid, wiped off the now sullied blade and returned it to it's intended purpose, and washed my hands, in an attempt to cleanse myself of my actions, it was no use, but I still had to try. 

When I got home that day, I felt better after apologizing to Claire and Shannon, but I couldn't deny how causing Claire harm  gave me a similar high to how my blades felt, and it scared me shitless, maybe that was why I had been acting out more with my parents and even with Hugh. 

Hugh let himself in and hugged me immediately, and I couldn't help but sink into his arms. "I thought you were going to a party."

"I am, but Claire mentioned you were upset, I thought it might be good for you if you came with me tonight." Hugh replied, running his fingers through my hair.

"You know why I can't."

"I talked to Gibs, he said he'd stay away from you, he won't even talk to you, I promise."

"I don't know, Hughie..." I reply, warily.

"Come on, I'll be with you the whole time." He reassures me, and I can already feel myself conceding.

"You promise?"

"Yes, I promise Lizzie."

Thanks for reading! - H <3