Haunting You - Boys of Tommen

Stuck With Me

"She got the scars, they serve as reminders" - Kanye West

December 22nd, 2005

Lizzie:

My mind was in shambles, and I needed to get out of this godforsaken school. I couldn't take another minute of hearing Gibsie and Claire ramble about Paris and Disneyland and Christmas.

You know who never got to Paris? Or Disneyland? Or graduate college? They were so insensitive and I couldn't stand it. I knew it was unfair to bring Claire into it, but she had forsaken our friendship when she started dating that bastard. I didn't care if they weren't really related, they were brothers, they lived together and his asshole family protected Mark. And for that, I would never forgive him. 

"Liz, what happened?" Hugh asked, trying to coax me out of my current headspace. Everything was happening too fast and I needed a break, just five fucking minutes where I could be somewhere else, where I could be someone else. What I would do for a break from my body, a vacation from my broken mind. 

He's moved me into an empty classroom, and I can barely even appreciate the newfound silence, my mind is too goddamn loud.

"Gibsie, happened," I answer, my breaths were heavy and I could feel my mascara that dripped down my cheeks. "I hate him, Hugh. I hate him so fucking much, I can't stand it."

His arms remain around me, and he draws circles on my arms, "you'll get through this, Liz." That's all he has to say to me, he'll never agree with me, or stand up against Gibsie, because he's his friend, his family. 

I missed when Hugh was mine. I wondered if he would behave differently if we were still dating. 

"I don't want to get through this, I just want it to stop," I say, feeling nothing but defeat. I feel weary, and my bones are somehow too heavy and light and everything wrong. 

"Don't say that," his voice is soothing, but it does nothing to stop the tears from flowing, or my body from trembling. "You're a survivor, Liz."

"I can't seem to survive myself."

"Don't say that, you're so strong, I've seen it and I know you, Elizabeth Young, this won't always be how you feel." He sounds sure of his words and I wish so badly that I could believe them.

""I'm not even a whole person, Hugh," my voice is all quiet and squeaky, I can barely get the words out.

"Yes, you are," he reassures. 

"No I'm all broken and splintered and I don't even know who I am, I'm nothing, I'm just this void, and I can't fucking escape it, or fix it. I feel like Caoimhe took pieces of me and I won't get them back until I'm with her again."

"Don't say that, you're standing right in front of me and you're whole and you're you," his voice is all of the right things, strength and kindness and reassurance. But they're wasted on me.

"No, I'm not."

I'm crying too hard to keep speaking and I barely register when he places me in Johnny's car and drives me home. Thankfully, my Mam isn't home so she doesn't have to question why I'm no longer at school. 

Despite my protests, Hugh carries me up to my room and places me in my bed, turning on all of my lights, because he knows how I get when I let myself sit in the dark.

He leaves me for a minute, to go to the bathroom and returns with a hot washcloth, and he wipes my face, taking the ruined makeup off and I feel so warm and taken care of. I know I don't deserve his help, and that I should send him away, but I don't have the strength anymore and I just concede and allow him to see me like this. 

"Are you leaving, Hugh?" I ask, and I sound completely pathetic but I'm long past the ability to care.

"Nope, you're stuck with me." 

Thanks for reading! - H <3