Haunting You - Boys of Tommen

Guilty

"Are we too young for this? Feels like I can't move, sharing my heart it's tearing me apart" - The Neighborhood

November 2nd, 2005

Hugh:

Fuck.

I fucked up.

And I can never take it back, I'm watching Katie laughing at Gibsie and Patrick's conversation and I feel sick. Like an actual fever type of sick.

How could I do this? How could I be such a horrible person? If the people at this table knew what I had gotten up to last night, I would be banished. Permanently exiled, and I would deserve it. If Katie knew, I didn't even want to think about it. I wanted to tell her, but I knew it would break her, break us.

She had been insecure, since I met her. Knowing that I slept with someone else, someone I knew she compared herself to, she wouldn't recover well.

And I couldn't be the asshole who cheated on her, and the asshole who caused her to relapse.

We were all sitting at the lunch table, and I felt sick. Katie was holding my hand in hers, and I didn't deserve it, her affection, her love. I didn't deserve any of it. I was using my other hand to hold my head up, and I just wanted to go home.

Claire was worried and thought it had something to do with our Aunt who was in remission form breast cancer. "Sarah's grand, Mam texted this morning. She's still in the clear."

"Then what's wrong?" Claire asked, and I just wanted to curl up on the floor and die. I couldn't keep answering that fucking question.

"He's been like this all day" Katie said.

"I'm grand, just tired." I reply, continuing to look down.

Claire reaches over to feel my forehead, "God, Hugh, you're spiking a temperature."

"Are ya sick, lad?' Johnny asks.

"Jesus, he is Cap. He's burning the fuck up." Gibsie says, grabbing at me.

"He said he's fine, so drop it." Lizzie declared and I can't bring myself to meet her eyes. Those sad haunting eyes.

Johnny offers to drive me home, and I feel like I'm being bloody suffocated, "I'm grand lads, I'm just tired." I reiterate.

"You're clearly not" Katie said, looking up at me worriedly, and I feel like even more of an asshole. I feel like shit because I cheated on her, and she's worried about me.

"You're right, I need to go home. I have the car, Cap. I'll drive myself, but thanks."

"You sure, lad?"

"Yeah, I just need to lie down."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Katie asks, and I nearly break down at the concern in her eyes.

"No, you should probably stay way from me, I could be contagious." I reply, trying to smile but I know I'm failing.

I stand up but Katie follows me, "Hugh, are you sure that's all?"

"Yeah, of course."

"I....Is something wrong? Did I do something?" She asks, and I can feel the guilt rising and nearly drowning me.

"No, you didn't do anything, I really am sick." I say and wrap her in a hug, letting my head drop and rest on the top of her head.

"Okay," she says tentatively, "I hope you feel better."

"Thanks." I say and walk away, feeling her gaze on my back. Feeling the way she can see right through me.

Thanks for reading! - H <3