Haunting You - Boys of Tommen

Suffocated

TW: Mentions of Self Harm

"Can they see right through me? Can you see right through me? I see right through me." - Taylor Swift

September 19th, 2005

Lizzie:

"Hey babe." His voice grates against my brain, and I can already feel my eyes rolling to the back of my head, before he can even finish.

"Ew, don't call me that, I'm not your babe." I reply, sharply.

"Geez, it's a term of endearment not a marriage proposal." Pierce reassures me, in that condescending tone of his.

"Well I don't want either from you, so get lost." I don't need this right now, in fact if I could just get a book from my locker at the beginning of the day without anyone bothering me it would be a miracle in my eyes. 

"But last night..." He said, his eyes suggestive and sultry. 

"That was last night, and now it's not, leave me the fuck alone." I had been weak yesterday and called him to come over. I just needed to stop thinking for a while, and having him in my bed, occasionally helped with that.

He's angry now, but I don't care. "I swear to God, I get fucking whiplash every time I talk to you, will you ever make up your damn mind up about anything?"

"Why are you still here?" I ask, annoyed, ignoring his question. 

"Because, you're all over me one second and the next you're screaming at me, and being a complete bitch." I sigh, I was hardly 'all over him' but he could believe what he wanted.

"What do you want me to say? You were a good fuck? Sorry did I make you feel used?" I ask my tone incredulous. 

"Jesus Christ, you know you used to not be a complete bitch to me." He spits right back, maybe a fight will be able to stir something inside me. The mediocre sex we had last night certainly didn't.

"I'm a bitch to everyone, don't go feeling too special." I retort, feeling that familiar rising of heat, itching to be let out. But before I can, we're interrupted. 

"Are you okay Liz?" Shannon asks, appearing out of nowhere. 

"I would be, if this eejit bloody left me alone." I reply, my eyes still trained on Pierce, offering him my most lethal  glare.

"You should be in therapy." Wow, that's the insult he goes with? At least Gibsie, gives me something to spar with, Pierce is completely uninspired. 

"Hey, don't say that about her." Shannon says, suddenly defensive.

"Don't, I can speak for myself Shan." It was ironic as hell, having Shannon of all people standing up for me. And as much as I hated it, I couldn't help but feel proud of her, for how far she had come. 

"Whatever, I'm out, and how about while you're at it Liz, lose my number."

"With pleasure, asshole." I retort, knowing full well, he'll come crawling when I want him to. He talked a big game, but he always came back.

He storms away, and I'm probably supposed to feel something. Maybe sad, or angry but I just feel numb. Fighting with him, brought emotions to the surface slightly, but now that the confrontation was gone, I was back to my default setting: numb. A vast and endless void, that contained all of my pain and suppressed it, held it just at the surface, but never allowed it to break. Except for when it does, and then all hell breaks loose. Like when I pushed Gibsie in that lake. 

"You okay, Liz?" Shannon asks, she's one of my last friends on the planet. I know she's too good for me, that I don't deserve her kindness and understanding, but I continue to keep her, because without her, I know I'd truly slip past the deep end. 

"I'm fine, just another installation, of the train wreck that is that boy." I reply, I can see in her eyes that she doesn't approve of Pierce and I's relationship or lack thereof. But it works for me. The bottom line is that I hate him, I treat him as an afterthought, he treats me like dirt and I let him, because I know it's what I deserve. 

My relationship with Pierce is akin to the relationship that Joey Lynch had with drugs. He hated the drugs, hated what they did to him, how they made him feel, how it made those around him feel, and how he treated others when they were controlling his life. But there's nothing like an addiction, the pure high you get from it, even if it's not narcotics, as long as it's your vice, it will reach the desired outcome. 

But it's not that addicted to Pierce specifically, he could easily be replaced, I'm addicted to hurting myself. Rather it be picking the wrong guys, hurting my friends, or slicing my skin open. It's the only time I really feel anything, I used to think the numbness was better, and for a few years I met the nothingness with open arms, but now it's not enough. 

"You sure you're okay?" Shannon asked again, looking up at me with her watercolour eyes, and I can't help but want to confide in her, but she's been through enough, she shouldn't have to deal with my bullshit on top of it all.

"Yep" I answer, lying through my teeth. 

Johnny joins us then, and Shannon rests her head against his broad chest without having to even look back, they were that in sync. "Hi Shannon."

"Hi Johnny." I refrain from making a comment at their sickening obsessions for each other, because they deserve it, they deserve to feel this way, and I can't help but like her boyfriend. He's uneasy around me, due to my hatred of his best friend Gibsie, but remains civil for his girl's sake. 

Johnny smiles down at her, before looking somewhere past me, "hey, how you been?" Johnny's saying to someone, and then I hear his voice.

I have one more addiction.

 One that trumps all of my other self destructive behaviours. 

The habit of my lifetime, if you will.

 My own personal brand of heroin.

 My first love. 

My only love. 

Hugh.

He no longer looks at me, and I don't blame him. I just wish he would. I was the one who broke it off, I ruined everything. I broke his heart. But I continue to haunt him like a ghost. 

His own personal specter. I followed him and watched him, watched him with her. Seeing him with his perfect little Katie, wounded me more than my blades ever had. Each encounter, every kiss they shared in my presence, were like slashes to my already scarred body. 

"Good, you?" Hugh answered and I have to inhale before turning to face him. Him and her.

"I'm grand, how 'bout you Katie?" Johnny asks, as my eyes bore holes into the couple. Katie avoids my gaze warily, but Hugh doesn't even have to try, I'm the last thing on his mind. 

"I'm good, thanks." She answers, blushing. Of course she's blushing, like the perfect little princess that she is. 

Hugh and Johnny begin discussing their rugby match taking place later today, and suddenly the air is too thick, and it's coating my lungs, and it feels as if the air has become molasses and I'm the only one without an oxygen tank. 

"I'm out, bye Shannon" I say, my voice hard and unforgiving. Everyone's eyes except Hugh's travels to my sudden outburst and I revel in the feel of their glares of contempt. 

"Okay, see you at lunch." Shannon replies sadly, and I feel like an asshole, but I just have to get out of here.

"Yeah, sure" I reply, but there's not a chance I'm staying here for anymore time today. This school suffocated me, despite its imposing size it was still too small, and I was all but counting down the days until I could get out of this place for good. 

Thanks for reading! -  H <3