The fall

Chapter 27

Penelope

I feel the anger in my chest, burning like a fire that won't go out. Another sinner. Another monster. Kill. Exorcise. Kill. Exorcise. They just keep coming, one after the other. I don't know how many I've killed today. A hundred? A thousand? The numbers don't matter. I've lost count a long time ago.

Kill. Exorcise. Kill. Exorcise. Again and again.

Every swing of my sword is just another step in this endless cycle of violence. They keep sending them at me, and I tear through them, over and over again. The blood, the screams—it's all the same. And it doesn't help. It doesn't take away the rage, the frustration nor my pain. The more I kill, the more it builds inside me, like itself is eating me alive from the inside out.

But I can't stop. If I stop, they'll make me pay. They always make me pay now. Doctor Fray watches from the shadows, that cold, calculating look on his face, like I'm nothing more than a tool for his experiments. He calls himself my father when he's exactly like Mr. Lauren. Just using me.

When yet another sinner falls, I hear Dr. Fray's voice, distant and detached as usual.
"That's enough for today. You can take a break."

A break? I don't even know what that fucking means anymore. I don't remember the last time I had a real break. It's always the same now; Kill. Exorcise. Repeat.
My sword flickers out of existence without my control, and I collapse to the floor, my body giving out after so many hours of endless killing in this room. My chest heaves with each breath, but it's not relief I feel. It's just exhaustion.

I lie there, staring up at the ceiling, too tired to move. I want to scream. I want to destroy everything. I want to rip this place apart. But I can't—I can't even tear off the collar around my neck. The collar is the only thing keeping me from using my powers freely.

I just start crying once again, I can't stop crying. I don't know why it hits me this hard anymore. My body trembles, and I feel the tears pouring down my face. It's so stupid. I hate that I'm crying. I'm supposed to be strong, but all I do is weep. I hate how it reminds me of how weak I am. Of how much I wished I was someone else. Someone who doesn't collapse the moment the weight of it all becomes too much.

It feels like I'm drowning—drowning in all the pain and the loneliness that I can't get rid of.

I miss Blake. I miss him so much it hurts. He was supposed to be everything to me, my support, the one who cared. Even though he lied to me, even though he betrayed me in ways I can't even begin to understand, I still need him. I need him to hold me, to tell me itself all going to be okay, even though I know deep down it never will be.
I miss my friends. I miss Gabriella. How I used to hug her—how we'd hold each other like we would protect each other from everything. I would give anything to feel like someone cared about me—like I mattered to someone.

But now? Now I'm alone. And it's crushing me. Every inch of me feels like it's been hallowed out, like I'm just a shell with no one left to fill it. I'm stuck in this cold, sterile place, and nothing I do can make it stop.

I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around myself, as If I could somehow hold all the pieces of me together. But I know it won't work. I can't fix myself. Not like this. I just cry harder, my body wracked with sobs that I can't stop, can't control. I wish I could just disappear.

Maybe that's what hurts the most—that I'm here, alone, without anyone to reach out to. Without anyone who's really there. I don't know when—or if—I'll ever be whole again. I don't know if I can survive this, cause all I can do is lie here on the cold floor, embracing myself, holding onto what little comfort I can find, and cry—because it's the only thing I have left.