𝘋𝘐𝘍𝘍𝘐𝘊𝘜𝘓𝘛-𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦

𝑴𝒊𝒍𝒂 𝑾𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒔

I couldn't sleep again. What a surprise?!

Tossing around in my bed, with a soundly sleeping Tessa beside me, I tried to make as least noise as I could. Didn't want to wake her up and explain everything that has happened, well now yesterday. Glancing at the digital clock on my bedside table, I saw the time and sighed. It was two in the morning. With a sigh, I turned to my right, now facing the door of my room, that was closed.

I tried everything that the clever ones suggest to fall asleep easily, but every time I felt the familiar feeling of tiredness take over my body, the happenings of today came flooding in, snapping my eyes open, that were constantly burning with tears.

I honestly felt like an idiot, because today I've done the worst thing possible. Well alteast for me. You see, all my life I've building up my walls with cautioussnes, to prevent situations like the one I've got into with Skyler. I was always careful, when it came to people, even with my family I was careful. Never wanted to let them fully in. It felt too intimidating to have them know what was on my mind, what I was feeling. It was a lot, even for me, I didn't want to tourture them with it. I knew they wouldn't do anything if I tell them, wouldn't react badly or turn things against me, but still. 

The only excpetion was my brother, he knew mostly everything about me and helped in ways no one ever could've. Not even Tessa, because even though she was there for me when I needed her, she never knew what it was like growing up the way I did, but Logan did. That's why he was let in the maze of my mind. 

And there are stranger, who I don't even want to start with. 

But this boy, he was somehow able to bomb said walls down, within a week and it terrified me, because when we were about to kiss, I didn't care about anything. All I wanted in that moment to feel his lips on mine, have his touch on my body, that set me on fire.

I wanted all of him. I never felt like this towards boys. Not to famous ones, not to the ones in real life, I was simply uninterested, or most of the time, as I said, scared of commintment. But not with him, not with Skyler, who I almost kissed and was agonizing on him from the day I laid my eyes on his beautiful figure. His dark brown locks falling into his eyes, those eyes I could get lost in, the barely visible freckles laying on his cheeks, the lips I amlost claimed as mine. The sweet scent of his, the clothing he wore. Every little detail about him I adored.

And then it had me thinking whether he felt the same way, whether he even thought about me as much as I did. Was he thinking about me at all? After all it wasn't guaranteed, not remotely, yet if he was about to kiss me, then and there on the school's hallway, in dirty clorhing, running a fever, he must've liked me to a certain level right?

It couldn't have been for nothing, he must be feeling something. Not neccery to the level, that I did, but it wasn't for nothing that I've felt the stupid pull towards him. It couldn't have been. Because if it was, then I would feel destoreyed for sure.

And as much as I wanted to hate him for pulling away then running out on me, I just simply can't not feel some type of love for him. I don't know if I can call it that, but it was definitely more than some stupid crush.

Was I insane? Totally, but love can make you crazy right?

And then on the other hand there was my mother, who did not see me on this week and it destroyed me. The pang in my chest grew by the minute and I tried to ignore it, but I was forced to face it every single day, since I had history class. Seeing the man, who allegedly knew my mother, what's more he knew my father too, it was more than I could handle, yet I somehow put up a smile, what's more a fight and played pretend and showed up on class. I tried not to look at him though, while I knew he was observing me. It made me really uncomfortable to not know who he was and how he knew so much.