𝘋𝘐𝘍𝘍𝘐𝘊𝘜𝘓𝘛-𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦

𝑺𝒌𝒚𝒍𝒆𝒓 𝑶'𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒍

I think I can officially say I'm insane.

I don't know what's gotten into me, when we sat down to the bench after the nurse stated that I have a fever. We were so close, I could feel the heat of her body radiating towards me, the way our tighs amlost brushing against eachother and I my heart felt like it was racing a marathon. My cheeks flushed with heat, not just because of my illness, but due to the hormons blowing up me from the inside.

I remember the way her eyes flickered with anticipation, I can recall the way she closed her eyes, waiting for me to lean in and press our lips together. I wanted to do that too, I really did, there was nothing more on this earth that I wanted to do than to kiss Mila Woods. To just feel the warmth of her lips on my own, the releaving feeling that would disappear the minute our tounges brush against eachother, but still that did not happen, because something stopped me. One specific thing to be honest, which was my biggest fear of all and I just couldn't let go of it, not because of me, but for Mila's sake. For the reason to that is I feared I become a person like him. And that was one thing I dreaded my whole life.

You see my father was a terrible person and was never really present in my life, still the effect he has on me and all of us, is insane. I can remember him screaming at mom for even the smallest things, always tormented her with words, that were not true, not one bit. He never got physical luckly, but still, what he's done to my mother made permanent ink inside of her, that she can no longer wash off of her body.

I was four years old when he moved out on us, well mom kicked him out. Despite how young I was, that day lives rent free in my head unfortunately. It was a Saturday afternoon in the middle of summer, the year the twins were born. I was playing with Layne in the living room with lego's, when shouting hit my ears. I frowned looking up at my sister, because even though we've heard mom and dad argue a lot, this sounded different, even my four-year-old self knew something was wrong. I reminisce the way my mother's voice broke, what's more I saw her face, because Layne and I sneaked out to the hallway to hear them better. They were in the kitchen and I had a perfect view on my mother. Tears streaming down on her face, screaming at my father, who was having his back to me. Something confused me though, since there was someone else in our kitchen. It was a woman, with dark hair, she appeared young to me, way younger than my father, she didn't say anything though. She was just standing there, arms folded across her chest, eyes casted down.

'Why would you do this?' mom shouted, voice breaking.

'I-I,' my father stratteled over his words, not being able to give a proper explanation to my mom.

'And the kids are in the house, the twins sleeping just a room away from you!' mom cried out, terrible sobs rocking her body and in that moment I wanted to give her a big hug to let her know I still loved her, even when dad seemed to stop doing that a long time ago. 'How do you have the nerves to do-'

'Stop it Laura!' dad roared, making me, Layne and mom flinch in response. 'Shut the fuck up!'

'No, why Jacob?!' she questioned, millions of tears staining her cheeks. 'Why would you this to us?'

'Because you are wreck!' dad shouted, walking up to mom, standing close to her. Too close. 'Ever since that day-'

'Don't you dare bring it up!' mom warned, pushing him away from her.'Do not make me the villain in this!'

'The what are you?' the snarled.

'I'm your wife.' mom told him brokenly. 'I'm the mother of your children.' 

After that Layne told me to go upstairs with her and I did, because I knew it was for the best. But that day still haunts me, the way mom cried on the floor, when she told dad to pack his things and go. The weeks after that, getting used to him not being around. It was a really hard time in our life, but we managed and I can say we are on a good track. All of us is succecful in our own things and forgetting about him. Of course there are days when he appears, or calls us every two or three months, but that's all. We never reach out to him and it's the best like this.

Yet the effect he still has on me, showed today, better than ever. The fear of becoming like him, made me spiral and especially when it came to Mila, who seemed to fuck my brain up to the point where I would've been able to let my guards down, just because it was her who I almost kissed, but I leaned away from her.

What's more I jumped away from her. Seeing the pain in her eyes, along with the tears she tried to hide from me, but one lone still escaped. In that moment I regretted that I did not kiss her, because the hurt was visible, the hurt I've caused when wanting to prevent it.

It was one in the morning and I couldn't close an eyes. My mind was racing with thoughts and not for a moment could I catch a break. Mila's face appeared in front of me, and I couldn't get that imagie out of my head, no matter how hard I tried to think of something else, it always seemed to come back.

I was thinking if she was doing the same. Agonizing in the middle of the night, thinking what could've gone differently if I wasn't coward, if I would've seen the way she let me in, when it was clear as the day that it came hard for her. She seemed to let me in, when she closed her eyes waiting for the miracle to happen, that was my free card. The one I didn't even earn, yet she still gave it to me, her trust and I fucked it up.

Groaning in agony I couldn't help, but try to ditract myself with something, so I sat down in front of my desk, where my computer lay and turned it on. Plugging the headphones in that was placed on top of the table, I put it over my head and started CS:GO 2.

***

I couldn't concentrate at all. I was always elimanted first in every round and I cursed on myseld. How stupid was I? Couldn't even paying attention to a stupid game, because of a girl?!

If you told me this just a week ago, I would laughed in your face, because it was impossible. No girls around me had any effect on me. None. I was completely uninfluenced by them, but everything changed. And it was hard to adjust to that.

What's more it was hard to admit the change, but...

was it really difficult to just love?

author's note: I know it's really short, but it's a really important one!

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