𝘋𝘐𝘍𝘍𝘐𝘊𝘜𝘓𝘛-𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦

𝑴𝒊𝒍𝒂 𝑾𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒔

It was Saturday morning, around nine o'clock and I was sitting in front of my piano, playing random chords on the instrument, while my brain has not stopped for a second.

My firsrt week in a real school was over and I must say that way more things happened than I expected. And even more than I wanted. 

You see I knew that I'd probably meet new people, since it is inevitable if you go to new places, so I wasn't surprised when I talked to more than only Tessa. Yet it was a little uncomfortable for me I'm not gonna lie. Even if I prepared myself for social situations, my body just has a hard time when it comes to talking to or being around people who are unknown to me. But I think I did quite good, if you consider the fact that I've never really talked to anyone other than my family and my best friend, because everyone that I did talk to at school, seemed to be kind and accepting with me, so it was a total positivity.

But then there was the least pleasant parts and unfortunately there were more on this side, than on the other one.

Starting with my encounters with Skyler, which started off pretty fine. I mean yeah he asked a not really comfortable question, but he couldn't know, that it'd make me feel like that, so I wasn't holding that against him. What I was mad about, was the way he didn't stop asking his stupid, but fair and concerned questions, about why I was crying.

And again, he couldn't have known that he asked into something way too deep, yet I told him to stop and he still continued. Now I was angry at him about that.

But there was the other side of him. The one that I found myself fonded to. His big brown eyes, with long lashes, his always well made hair. The way he dressed, even if it was fully black clothes and then his handsome face, that I somehow couldn't stop thinking about. And I'd be lying if I said that the way he cared towards me didn't make me feel warm, but at the same time it made me really anxious and uncomfortable.Because I just couldn't let my guards down. The ones that were keeping me alive. I simply just couldn't go and tell him what happened on Tuesday, because that would mean I have to tell him everything. Everything that had happened to me and my family and that was something I wanted to keep a secret in front of everyone, which was basicly screwed because Mr.Wright went and said those things, but I don't think most of the students acknowledged it, or even if they did they had already forgot about it, atleast I hope they did.

But I couldn't tell this to neither Skyler or Matt. There were many factors on why. First and this was the main reason, I did not know how to talk about her. You see my mom died when I wasn't even one-year-old and my father has never told me what happened that day. He barely even talked about mom and to be honest it hurt. More than it should've right? Because why would not knowing something about soemone hurt? Especially if I've never really met said soemone, so why would I miss her so bad, that sometimes it's hard to breathe?

It was ridiculous, but that was my reality and when it came to talking about her, which wasn't a common thing happening, but still when I did talk about her, I was crying for hours afterwards and had nightmares for the next few days.

And my other main problem, or more likely fear was that, they'd look differently at me after I tell them, that I don't have a mother anymore. The way they act towards me after they have the knowledge about that is concerning. The pityness, just pains me. They act strange and it's inconvenient for me to be around them.

You may wonder who are the them. Well my brother's friends and past girlfriends, who always included me, when I was around. They were always so careful with me, as if I'd break if they said a wrong word. Which was true, but I think the lack of talk about mom made this way. And maybe, only maybe if we would've spoke about her more, I wouldn't be this way. Maybe if I knew what had happened to her, I could move on.