Helping 11

Nora

The other side of the bed is cold and Tadghs not anywhere else in the room. There are little streams of light flowing though the curtains but not enough to tell that it's anything but early hours of the morning.

Somethings wrong. I can feel it all around me. I need to find Tadgh, to see if he's alright. Getting out of bed my feet sting on the cold floor. I steal a hoodie from Tadghs wardrobe and then make my way downstairs.

I find both Tadgh and joey sitting at the kitchen table. Tadghs been crying and Joey looks he's been up all night. Something is wrong and I can guess who with. My family.

"What's wrong." I voice my concern.

Joey looks between me and Tadgh. He stands up, leaving us and mumbling at Tadgh, letting him tell me.

Tadgh points at the chair Joey was in. "Come sit down Os."

Okay so this is really bad if he wants me to sit down. Once I'm sat he takes a deep breath, readying himself for what he's about to say.

"Last night Joey got a call." This is too bad. "From the police." No, no, no, no.

"What did they say." My words are barely a whisper.

"That there was an accident. A car crash." He confirms. "It killed your brother and sister. Your mum is in critical care."

They're dead. More then half my family is dead. There's a ringing in my ears and I can't breathe. I can't. I can't. I knew something was wrong last night and I still let them go. My mu-my mum hugged me as if she knew that would be the last time she could.

"I'm so sorry Os." He comes and kneels next to me, holding me. "It's alright to cry."

I don't want to cry, I don't really feel anything at all. My family's lives are over. Little Meabh who had some much ahead of her will forever be in a dirt whole. Ciarain was mean but he didn't deserve to die. And my mum, if she survives she'll never be the same, not after losing her children too.

There a knock on the door and then new sets of voices fill the room. Joeys bringing them all, telling them about me. I turn to face them. 2 police officers.

"Hello miss, are you Nora O'brien." The one of the left questions.

"Yes." My voice sounds foreign to my ears. This feeling, it's like I'm watching my life not living it.

The other office takes off his hat, holding it to his heart. "We are very sorry for you lose, we were just wondering if we could ask you some questions?"

Questions . That's all their lives turn into to. John and edel are standing in the connor, hugging a sobbing AJ. I think he was friends with Meabh. I should of have been the one in the car. There would be less people grieving me, less people who would have wanted me to stay.

"We were wondering if we could talk to her alone." Their not specking to me, their specking about me, like im glass. One crack from shattering and if im honest there right. One more thing might send me over.

Before anyone else can talk for me, I reply. "Sure come over here." I lead them into the sitting room. They sit across from me and stare at me.

"This will only take a few minutes." I nod. "We just wanted to know if you're brother ever had a history of drinking or taking drugs." I stop. I can't tell them, I won't let the last memory of him that but then at the same time, if it helps....

"He would some drink but never do any drugs." It's only a little lie.

"Did he have a history of ever getting mad, would he ever hurt anyone." I could tell them, I should tell them. Theres no one left for him to hurt. Not meabh, not mum.

"Sometime when he would get mad, he would hurt me but he never really meant too. I don't think he ever really wanted too." I let out a deep breath. I've never told anyone that, not like that. Not even tadgh.

They stand up, wiping imaginary dust off their clothes. "Alright thats all we need to know." They're going?  Why did they need to know that, how is it helpful?

"Why did you need to know that?"

"Becuase you're brother was the one driving the car. He drove off the road, killing them all."

What. They walk away leaving me to break. Tadgh calling my name asking if im okay but i can't, I can't hear, I can't do anything. It's too much, it's all to much. Im falling down, down until i hit the ground. The soft carpet under my fingers. There are steps and then someone holding me, whisping in my ear that it's alright, that i'll get through it.

"I can't, I can't do it." I sob. So many tears a streaming down my face that I can't see. Can't do anything but sit there sobbing, crying for my family to come back.

...

It's later and tadgh still holding me, rocking me back a forth. Trying to give me confort. I don't cry anymore. There's no tears left. I can hear and see but I don't feel. I don't feel anything past the numb washing over me. I think it's better, to not feel anything. If I stop thinking about them then it's almost like their still there.

I stand up pushing off of him. I can't sit there and sulk for the rest of my life. I need to do something, need to make my life worth something. "I'm going to have a bath."

He stand up next to me, wiping his hands. "Okay. Do you need anything, any help."

"No. I'm fine. I'll just take some of your clothes." Theres that word again fine. I can't escape it. No matter what happens.

"Uh yeah sure. We'll just be waiting down here."

"Fine." Tadgh takes one more look at me and then walks to the others. I can hear them whispering about how I don't seem fine, how i'm going to need help, that i'm strong. I don't feel strong but I don't want them to know that.

I walk into his room, grabbing some clothes and a towel. Walking into the bathroom, I lock the door. Setting down the clothes, I stand over the bathtub. I turn the water on, letting the burning hot water run over my hands. It doesn't hurt. I can't feel it.

I let it fill to the top, almost overflowing. A little does fall onto the floor. I take of my clothes throwing them on the ground. Dipping my feet in first I climb into the bath, standing. I watch the water ripple and flow over.

When I sit down fully, the water at the edge. I can feel very little of how hot it is but it's make my skin red. It would be so nice to slip under. Where there's no sound, no sight, no pain. Under the water you just are. Striped down to the very core. Just bone and flesh. How nice that would be. To not be me.

I think it through and come up with the fact that everyone's lives will be better with mine. Everyone I touch, I hurt. I'm doing them a favour as I go under the water. It's peaceful, nothing can hurt me in my bubble. It's just me.

There's knocking at the door and someone's yelling for me. I don't listen, I stay under. Darkness starts taking over me and I like it. There's nothing but black. It's all I am. My heads pounding at me to take a breath, to stay alive but I don't want to.

The door gets kick open and someone come rushing in. My mind screaming at me to let him help. That he'll keep me safe. He pulls me out of the water but I don't breathe, I can't.

"Breathe Os, breathe. Please for me." I can feel his tears on my skin as he wraps me in a towel, holding me close. I breathe, letting the life fill my lungs.

I don't cry or scream like last time, I just simply tell him. "My mum, my family they're dead because of me. I deserve to die, it would be better if I died."

He shakes him head but there's nothing he can do to change my mind so he just holds me. His grip so tight as if he's trying to keep me from slipping away.

Aouthers note

So what you think. A lot happened. I knows there been a lot of Nora but it's just because most of this is around her but soon there will be more Tadgh, don't you worry. Love all of you and thank you for the reads. If any of you are ever going through anything, please talk to me or someone around you. The world is always better with you in it and don't let anyone tell you otherwise xoxo

Word count: 1542