Poetics and Musings

Secrets

I tried to run away once as a child
Lasted a block before vomiting and going home
I don't call you sunshine for disposition
But because you make me feel warm
I used to keep all my things in one box
Always afraid the house would burn down
That concept still sticks in this life
But the house is now always burning
I still keep each last note safe
Boxes of candy wrappers and cards
'No' used to mean nothing
It was always a punishable offense
I still can't inhale my cigarettes
Tasting forced mint juul on my breath
I still tell nobody He hit me once
Afraid the few who stayed would finally go
I am still terrified he was right
That I deserve to be alone
I never believed in Santa or easter bunnies
Even the tooth fairy had dad's hand
I stopped believing in god the first time
Never could tell my dad and still can't
I used to try to bleach my freckles
Using ReaLemon of all things
I learned vitriol at a young age
And cuss words in the backseat
I mourn people still breathing
Dead more lasting than the tomb
I sometimes talk to her at night
On the roof watching the moon
I still have one republican friend
My vice against a war we didn't start
I still jump in puddles when I can
And leaf piles and off steps and swings
I'm terrified of losing more people
I never used to be an insomniac before
At least not for the same reasons
I still rarely feel safe alone in the dark
I say things I shouldn't
In words unknown to you if not to me
To me it is never a waste nor sin