My Book of Everything

I. Don't. Know.

First of all, I am not doing this for attention. I don't even want help. I post here as a form of therapy, as a way to get out all I have inside.
Second, I really, actually don't know why. So don't ask me for the "real reason" why I'm like this. I. Don't. Know.
Now let's start.
Lately, I've been really emotional and moody. I will have days where I'm happy and feel normal, but then I hate the world and shut everyone out. Or I get sad and burst into tears. I can't control it and it's not triggered by anything most of the time.
It can last for any range of time. Sometimes I feel bad for a few minutes then am happy and laughing, or it can last hours and I have to fake it to gat by. It can get really bad at times, lasting for a long time. I can have days where I have to fake being happy.
Sometimes it is caused by something, like someone making a rude comment or blaming me for something I didn't do. But it's not just me over reacting, as sometimes there is no cause. And I don't just "get over it" as soon as I get away, calm down, and come back. I can stay like that, feeling horrible, usually about myself. And that brings us to another point.
When it happens, whether it's caused by someone or not, I usually blame someone for it, even if it's not their fault. But then I start thinking, and end up thinking it's my fault, that I am the reason I feel this way, and that I deserve it. It can then go back to blaming someone else, but most of the time, I am left with the feeling that it's all my fault.
Remember my post where I wanted to kill myself? It was after one of these. Well, not really after, but during the blaming myself point in the cycle.
I don't like this. It scares me. A lot of the time I find myself with my hands around my throat, trying to cut off all my air. Every time this has happened, I come back to myself and stop. But I'm scared that one day I won't, and my family will find my body lying on my bed. I don't want that to happen.
At the beginning i said that I didn't want help, but after writing it down, I do. I want help, but I don't know if I can. Help.
😢😞😪😭😥😟👋
- July 25, 2015