My Book of Everything

My Mental State

I don't hate myself. I don't hate my life. I don't want to die. I don't wallow in misery everyday. I don't tear at my skin because everything is just awful.
I do get disappointed in myself sometimes. I do get overworked and stressed. I do wonder what death is like sometimes. I do get sad and down sometimes and cry. I do scratch absentmindedly at my arm to help myself focus and think.
I wouldn't call myself depressed or suicidal. I wouldn't call what I do self harm. I have sad and bad thoughts sometimes. I use scratching to focus my mind.
I don't think I need serious help. I have been so much worse in the past. I've gotten better, not worse. I don't need to stop "self harming" because I haven't been to start with. And yes, technically self harm is causing injury to yourself on purpose, but I rarely ever do it to the point of hurting. If I do, it's on accident.
You might say that acceptance is the first step, and that's true, if somethings actually happening. You might say I'm just denying it, but I'm not. I do scratch my arm when I'm very sad. I also do it if there's too many people around for me to be comfortable or if it's too loud. I'll do it if I'm angry at other people, not just myself. I also scratch if I'm having trouble focusing my thoughts. I also tug at my hair or dig my nails into the palm of my hand or bite my lip in any of these situations. I used to bite my nails or chew on a finger. Lots of people do those all the time and they aren't labeled as "self harming." Why should I be?
I know people try to get me to stop to help me. However, I don't cause myself pain on purpose. I don't do it because I hate myself or my life. I am happy with myself and my life. I'm happier than I have been for a long time. So please understand this.
😢😞😪😭😥😟👋
-August 23, 2016