I Look In People's Windows

Chapter 21

Karma

The pitter-patter of raindrops echoed through the room; a light stream beating against the window. One by one, they rolled down the glass until they disappeared forever. I stared out into grey for a moment watching as the fall of rain slowed for the first time today.

I turned away from the dreary horizon, looking over my room, only it wasn't really mine. I was just a guest here after all. I didn't have a place of my own to call home anymore. And I had no one to blame for that other than myself. Suitcases stood in the corner, a half empty cup of coffee, long gone cold, sat atop the night stand.

I'd made a run to the kitchen before the others could wake. I didn't want to face their looks of disapproval or have to engage in another conversation like I did with Folklore yesterday.

I felt like an idiot letting all of that slip, bearing my insecurities to someone like that. But maybe closing myself off and acting the way I did is why I was in this position.

As much as I wanted to hide away in here or bolt like I'd planned on doing, I couldn't do it. Folklore was right - I had to try one last time to speak with my sister. Without letting my ego get in the way. Up until now, it had proved far harder than expected.

Stepping in front of the mirror, I picked up the hairbrush from the dresser, pin sized bristles sailing through ghostly strands. A hand crept up towards the bruising on my neck, shades of purple still visible. A part of me hated myself for allowing it to happen. It was a sign of weakness, of not being strong enough to fight back.

But as much as it hurt, deep down, I knew I deserved it. I deserved a lot more in fact because nothing could compare to how I hurt Reputation.

I hadn't gotten much sleep last night. Or the night before. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt the guilt consume me. It had never been this bad, not until I got here. Every worry that kept me away in the first place came to fruition. I'd messed up things with Speak Now. 1989 wouldn't even look at me. And I'd driven a wedge between Lover and Reputation.

The others hated me and I didn't blame them one bit. I'd seen how upset they were when I got here, how angry 1989 was when she saw me. I didn't expect her to welcome me with open arms but seeing that anger in her eyes hurt. But I understood it. She was my friend, my only real friend who cared about me and stuck by me no matter how badly I treated her and I hated myself for ruining that.

Speak Now ignored what the others said. She gave me a chance and I fucked it up like I always did. I just couldn't admit that I was wrong, take accountability for what I did. I let my emotions get the better of me and I took it out on her. Over the past week, the time we spent together made me feel so happy. For the first time in years I didn't feel truly alone and I threw it all away because of my stupid pride.

I stepped out into the hallway, eyes set upon a black door. It was open for once, not closed like I'd become used to seeing it. Tentatively, I moved closer, raising my hand to knock if necessary but the room was empty. The smell of cleaning agents was strong, contents upon the nightstand and dresser all neatly in place.

"She's not in there."

I turned around and saw Evermore standing in the hallway, coat draped over her arm.

"Where is she?"

"I last saw her going to the music room. If you plan on speaking with her, I would choose your words very carefully. I'm going out and I won't be here to pull her off this time."

She slipped past me, stopping atop the staircase and turning back to look at me. "Oh, and one more thing. Stop stealing my snacks from the pantry." With that she disappeared down the steps out of sight. I let out a breath of annoyance. How was Folklore so nice and Evermore so pretentious?