Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Voodoo Doll

Last night was amazing. Harry and I opened up to one another like never before and I feel like I understand him even more than I already thought I did. He's handled his fame so well and the fact that he's never lost himself inspires me.

It's such a foreign feeling for me, wanting him to get to know me. Freeing yet frightening. I ended up telling him all about my writing and how much I love it. The way I see it there's only so many times he's going to catch me writing in the notepad app on my phone and not ask what I'm doing. So far he'd respected my privacy but it somehow didn't feel right not telling him and letting him in. Writing is such a huge part of my life, a secret part, but still huge. It's where I find my release, and often times, my escape from the real world. Everything is under my control there and I'm never afraid or lonely. Writing takes me to my happy place.

Of course once I told him a part of me wished I never had. He begged all night for my screen name but I didn't give it up. Just because I let him in on part of the secret it doesn't mean I'm ready to share the entire thing. I doubt he'd be able to handle the things I write anyway, as innocent as he seems. His cheeks would redden so much they'd burst into flames if he didn't die of second hand embarrassment first.

Still, our conversation put me in a safe place. I'm starting to feel like I can trust him even though he already treats me like we've been friends for years. It's hard not to feel at home around him because he's so welcoming.

When I got to work this morning I was still feeling relaxed and easy going. That feeling only expanded when I was reminded that Berkley would be in Canada with Oak Market Publishing through the weekend. He'd miss my birthday tomorrow but at least we'd have some much needed space.

Ever since our little make out session in my office a week ago things have been awkward. He's been a bit more demanding, something I've been trying to avoid like the plague. We had at least three dates this week under the guise that he'd miss me while he was gone. I promptly reminded him that Friday until Sunday wasn't that long of a time and that he'd be okay.

It's not that I don't like Berkley because I really do. He's fun and attractive, charismatic and funny, he's financially stable, and ambitious; everything, on paper, that I want in a man. But ultimately our personalities don't mesh well, not well enough to date seriously that is. He makes sure to live out every stereotype placed on a man in his position and although I don't judge him, I can't get behind it. I've always liked guys who were different and who walked to the beat of their own drummer, that's not Berkley. In my experience guys who can't go their own way on their own are more susceptible to straying and doing what "the people want."

Public appearance and opinion are everything to him already so I know things can only get worse. For example, on our first date of the week he asked me to be ready at seven but didn't give me any details about where we were going. It was a Monday and I'd worn heels all day so the last thing I wanted to do was go out in a pair. I slipped into a cute top, a pair of jeans, and my chucks before putting my hair up in a ponytail. When he arrived at my house I went out and before he could even say hello to me he addressed my outfit. He wasn't disrespectful but I could see it all over his face that he was expecting me to dress up. Finally he came out and asked that I change. It wasn't a big deal for me to change my outfit but the fact that he couldn't even be bothered with asking me how my day went or even greeting me bugged the fůck out of me. Once I finally came back we had dinner but he kept dropping not so subtle hints about us getting more serious.

Similar incidents occurred Tuesday and Wednesday as well when we went out. I was happy to be able to say I had other plans on Thursday when he called. Hanging out with Harry was the release I needed for the week, and knowing I'm going to see him tonight and spend the weekend with him has me pumped.