Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Blue Dream

My day so far has consisted of writing a few chapters and posting them and surprisingly enough emailing my manuscript and a link to my Spoodle account to what felt like millions of publishing houses. Thanks to encouragement from my readers and my friends I finally took the chance. Harry's been my biggest supporter, reminding me every chance he gets to do the work to go after my dream and at the end of the day I'm glad I did. I doubt if I'll get anyone to respond but it's an important first step. I officially feel like a writer, and a proud one at that. It's been a great distraction from what's been going on in the world outside of my little bubble.

Our faces, since the day after we went to the promenade, have been splattered all over celebrity news stations and gossip magazines. I can't say I'm surprised. It's not every day a celebrity dances in the street with some unknown face then leaves with them. Our secret is officially out and I don't really know how to feel about it.

The clandestine status of our relationship however isn't the only thing that changed between Harry and I. I thought it before we left the promenade but by the time we got to Harry's house I was convinced. He tried to get me to stay the night since it was so late and such a long drive back but I wasn't having it. I could feel myself overthinking and the longer I was with him the more I could feel myself shake.

Once I got home I felt like I couldn't breathe. My mind was racing as well as my heart and I couldn't focus. It took a while for me to control the anxiety attack but I got a grip on it. After getting into a hot bath, I listened to a few ASMR videos to further relax and free my mind. With my mind clear of the clutter of thoughts panic brings I centered in on one unquestionable realization. I'm falling for Harry.

Immediately I slammed the door on the thought and for the next week I curved him. All of our conversations were kept short, we didn't hang out, and I kept my distance. It didn't last and unsurprisingly I was miserable. I missed him like crazy and thought about him even more than I normally would which didn't help any.

Sighing I zip up my overnight bag and head towards my front door. Since we started back talking regularly Harry and I have been having sleepovers at his place. There's nothing remotely sexual about it, in fact it's almost like I'm getting to experience the sleepovers I missed as a child. We normally binge watch The Walking Dead or Once Upon A Time, eat junk food, and listen to music. This past weekend I stayed with him from Friday until Monday morning and had an amazing time. I'm probably not doing myself any favors by staying over but for once I'm optimistic... or just stupid.

Ultimately I've decided I'm done ignoring the forming feelings I have for him. Instead I'm facing them and trying to force them to go away. My top priority is to get them to disappear or at least diminish so I can salvage the amazing friendship we've created. After experiencing how I deal without it saving it is what's most important to me. Taking a chance on expressing feelings I still don't fully understand myself could and probably would ruin everything between us. Besides that, it's just not in me to rock the boat.

All my life I've always been the good girl. I studied hard, did my work and never got into trouble at home or school. My loyalty to the people I cared for was always unquestionable. I always did the right thing.

And that's where my problem lies. I always do the right things for the wrong people. I don't trust my judgment which makes me not trust myself.

Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed or jinxed. It's like anytime I meet someone, the second I show them I'm interested they run, even if they showed me interest first. Almost like they sense something about me is off or broken so they get the hell out of dodge. In the end I always wind up alone with a heart full of feelings that have nowhere to go.