Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Forever Ain't Enough

For the past week Harry and I have been consistently searching for the perfect outfits to wear to the ball tonight. The masquerade theme has me pretty excited. I've always wanted to go to a masquerade ball and I genuinely thought I'd never have the chance to until now. The fact that this is my "prom redo" really has the pressure on for me to have the night of my dreams and so far that idea is not out of reach. We've taken every step necessary to make sure everything goes perfectly tonight. Our outfits, limo, and, thanks to Astra's connections, after party- all important components to any amazing prom night - are all set. I however had to convince Harry not to buy a corsage for me, although according to him I'm now missing out on the full experience.

Instead of having designers bring samples to the house we went into stores together in search of my dress – one thing I didn't do the first time around. Four stores into our search and I realized exactly why I went with the first dress I saw for my original prom. I had a particularly limited budget then and low self-esteem so the first dress that made me look thin and was reasonably priced was the winner. Now, my budget was unlimited – since Harry insisted on paying and refused to let me be cheap about it - and although my self-esteem is relatively high and Harry sang my praises in everything I put on, it was still a struggle to find something I felt comfortable in. Knowing I would be in a room full of people I'd never met before on the arm of one of the guests of honor had me being overly critical. That much attention has never been comfortable for me, I don't think it ever will be – but knowing Harry will be by my side as well as the boys and their girlfriends makes the idea a tinge less daunting.

So far, Harry's done everything in his power to insure I feel like a princess throughout this entire process. After finalizing the fit on our outfits with the tailor he whisked me away to some spa in Calabasas and up until an hour or so ago we were there basking in the serenity of green juices, massages, and seaweed facials. We tried what felt like a million different massage styles until we each could pick a favorite. He loved the aromatherapy while my favorite by far is the hot stone – yet another experience I never thought I'd have.

By the time we arrived home I practically fell out of the car my body was so relaxed. However, the zen of the morning ended the second we entered the house. Harry must've had Hannah busy the entire time we were gone because the house was full of people for hair, makeup, accessories- there were even back up outfits in case we'd changed our minds about the ones we'd chosen. I don't think I've ever been in an atmosphere as crazy as that at least not one where I was a priority. Everyone was calling our names and pulling us in this direction and that. Harry and I would share a pitiful glance across the room to one another every now and again but for the most part whomever was working on us at the time demanded our full attention. Despite the chaotic journey to get things done the end product is worth it, if I do say so myself.

My dress is black, of course, with a cat-eye neckline and a high-low hemline. I wanted to go for a full ball gown to stick to the 'ball' theme the closest but ultimately it just wasn't plausible. I'm entirely too clumsy for such a big heavy dress. At the end of the day, it's not like I'm getting married and we'll be dancing most of the night according to Mr. Styles so such a large dress would just get in the way. The back of the dress dips into a V-shape until about the center of my spine, offering a bit of tasteful sexiness to the gown. For my mask, I wanted something minimalistic and yet still dramatic in it's own way. I ended up choosing a 'phantom mask' that only cloaks one eye so my dramatic eye makeup is on full display with the other. The design on the mask matches the netting design on the dress and makes it pop more than it naturally would.

Staring at the made up woman in the mirror in front of me doubt starts to ease it's way into my mind. I take a deep breath that ends in a small grimace. The longer I look at myself the more I nitpick, my anxiousness about the night's events getting the better of me. The dress fits like a glove and I can't be sure how I feel about that. I'm filled with anxiety and apprehension about my figure. Since Harry and I started dating it's been a lot less likely that I work out what with the lack of privacy from paparazzi and all. Unfortunately for me I have to work out to stay in shape - my metabolism hates me. The weight I've gained isn't enough for anyone else to notice and mentally I know it but it doesn't stop me from being uneasy over it. I don't want to embarrass myself and more so I don't want to embarrass Harry, this is a big night for him. I don't want to be the reason the tabloids focus on my appearance and not on the amazing charity we're celebrating.