Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Tattooed Heart

It's the day before the boys are London bound for some award show I can't remember the name of and Harry keeps reminding me that all of the commotion going on in our house is nothing compared to how crazy it gets during award season here in the states. If I wasn't dreading the experience already I am now. People have been running in and out of the house since early this morning doing fittings for his outfits and discussing itinerary with him while I sit back and watch, peeved from being woken up at such an ungodly hour.

As one rack of clothes leaves another flies through the door, outfits swinging and holding onto their hangers for dear life. Harry's been standing in the middle of our bedroom half-naked for the majority of the morning with people holding up different pieces of clothing for him to try on or reject. Even though I've been enjoying the view I can't lie and say that I'm not bored. After the first thirty minutes I grabbed my laptop so I could try and get some work done. It's definitely been hard to focus and I know I'd get more work done if I go to the office but I'm not dumb. My man is most definitely not about to be in here in his underwear around these thirsty little interns from this designer and that, not without my watchful eyes in the room. Every few minutes I pop my eyes up from the screen and survey the room just to let these heifers know I'm paying attention.

I wouldn't say I'm jealous just territorial. I see things he doesn't when it comes to the opposite sex. He plays coy and confused when I bring up the way women react to him but I know it's more for my benefit than his actual lack of knowledge. All in all I appreciate the effort. I'm used to guys using that type of attention to make me feel insecure so this is a lovely change, novel, but lovely.
Watching him jump into another pair of snug jeans he stops mid pull and grins at me, showing off his dimples. For the most part I've been pretty invisible today, sitting off to the side with my face lit up with the glow from my laptop. But little moments like these force me to feel acknowledged. He's been serving his fake smile to people all day but reserved his full grin for me alone. It's things like this that make me fall for him more, if that's even possible.
As much as the moment lifts me it also weighs me down. Negativity and doubt swarm my thoughts reminding me of all I went through and my promise not to allow it to happen again, the perpetual monkey on my back. Instead of giving into the thoughts as I so often do I smile back, as wholeheartedly as I can and blow him a kiss. He catches it and puts it into the pocket of his jeans but his hand gets stuck as he tries to pull it out, sending me into a fit of giggles. I try to contain myself as he tells the intern for Saint Laurent that the jeans are a no. Too bad, he looked damned good in them.

~*~

By the time noon rolls around the house is quiet again. Harry and I get ready to go see his tattoo artist in silence, we're enjoying it so much. As I dress, I fight against thoughts of telling him about our possible dilemma. The quiet of the house brings me to the restlessness of my thoughts since I found out about my MIA aunt flow. I know he would be excited, he's the only person I know that could light up a room with his smile when a baby is in it, but I can't deal with that right now. I'm still battling with my inner demons that are trying to destroy my growing love for him. Is that really an environment to bring a baby into? How could I love a child when I have a hard time loving anyone? One step at a time, please.

I made the decision last night that I would put this all out of my brain and just enjoy the weekend with him and the boys. They'll be gone for a week so I should enjoy this time and leave my worries for later, but that's easier said than done. A part of my brain yells that I'm a coward for waiting to take the test while he's away but I push the thought to the back of my mind. I can hardly even say it out loud to myself so I know I wouldn't be able to tell him, at least not face to face. I feel more comfortable over the phone and that's what's important if I'm pregnant, that I'm relaxed. Besides, there's no use in telling him and getting his hopes up if I'm not. I don't want to let him down and I damn sure don't want to give him any ideas.