Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

I Care

This past month has been so busy. We had a going away party for Chuck that I put together. I guess calling it a party would be stretching it. It was more like a lunch "thing." Whatever you call it I was busy for the majority of the week getting decorations for the conference room and baking his cake. I went for double chocolate since it's his favorite and got EAT, his favorite restaurant, to deliver. Only Amita, Damien, Mike, and I stayed the entire time, Mr. Reynolds stopped by for about ten minutes and then quietly slipped out. Chuck was so shocked to walk into the room and see us. I had him thinking I needed his help carrying something down to my car. He thanked me a million times and hugged me so tightly I thought I'd break. It was a bittersweet moment but I'm glad I got to spend it with him. He left for Kentucky the day after and unfortunately I haven't heard from him since.

Things on the work front have been busy as well. I've completed two small accounts for local stores, a boutique and a bakery. The owner of the bakery was so grateful she offered me a voucher for a free cake decorating class that's good until next March. I'm excited to try it, baking has always been really therapeutic for me.

Speaking of therapy I've been taking a deeper look at myself. It's crazy really, the way my mind works. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either. I just... exist. I can't look back at the last twenty-two years of my life and say I've really lived. I can't pick out a happy memory but the sad ones, the ones that made me wail and sob and clutch my chest like I was dying, those I remember. The moments that break your heart are always the easiest to recall.

In retrospect my childhood was relatively normal, nothing incredibly traumatic happened. But at the same time I grew up too fast. I was always too adult for my age. I became a master at worrying before I could even ride a bike. At the one period in my life where I should've been completely carefree I was bogged down and I've been that way ever since.

Anxiety is my disease. It infected me years ago and no matter what I do I can't completely get rid of it. Nothing caused it, I was born with fear in my gut and it's been there every day since, hiding away in the background waiting to flare up when I least expect it.

As I grew up I recognized my fear went away when my family was near. It groomed me to be family oriented and more grounded anytime they're around. However I had to learn the hard way how to cope since having them as a security blanket was near impossible when I started school. I found myself staying in the car longer when my mom would drop me off or getting longer hugs from her before I got out of the car, trying to soak up as much comfort from her as I could.

I needed that protection and warmth I got from their love and as I got older I did almost anything to get even a semblance of that feeling. In the process of trying to find relief I lost myself in whoever I was with. I threw myself into relationship after relationship, most of the time just chucking shịt at the walls to see if it stuck. It never did.

I allowed them to control my reactions and consequently my life. Every little thing they did got over analyzed and mulled over until I felt ready to combust. I fell into an intense pit of depression, anxiety, and self-loathing.

I hated myself for not loving myself. I hated myself for feeling like no one loved me. I hated myself because whoever I loved never stayed and when they did they never meant it.

I got used and played so much I felt like an instrument. One lone rusted flute still trying to float out notes long after the concert ended and the curtain closed.

No matter how well I treated people I called lover or friend I always got left behind. No one wanted to stick around and it made me dislike myself more. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me? What did I do to make people I love hate me so much?