Taking Control. (a Ninjago fanfic)

Chapter 72- on loop behind my eyes

J A Y

I woke up choking.

Not on smoke. Not on blood.

On air.

Too much of it, too fast, like my lungs didn't know how to work anymore. My chest spasmed, and my heart—gods, my heart—was hammering so hard it felt like it was trying to punch its way out of me.

I flailed in panic.

Or tried to. My arms were heavy. Tied down by weight—not cuffs, not magic, not shadow.

Bandages. Splints. Tubes.

A hospital.

Safe.

Ok. Ok, it was just a dream. Well, a nightmare.

You're ok Jay, you're fine.

It took a minute—longer, maybe—for me to realize I wasn't screaming. Not out loud. Just... inside. Every inch of me was still vibrating with electricity, and not the good kind. Not mine.

Well, it didn't feel like mine.

This one hurt. It was like how my powers usually felt— a dull buzz through my veins— but amplified, sharper, stronger, white-hot.

It was wrong. It felt wrong. It was the kind that didn't want to go away.

The kind that still clung to my skin like residue.

Like static.

I turned my head. Slowly.

Kai was asleep in a chair, his head tilted back and mouth open like someone had unplugged him mid-sentence, his bundle of shopping sprawled over the floor near the door. Nya was curled in a second chair, arms folded across her chest, head resting on Kai's shoulder. Zane had positioned himself like a statue next to Nya, eyes closed, quietly powered down.

Cole was snoring loudly, leaning on the ice ninjas arm.

I usually hate his snoring— it sometimes kept me up at night, because it was so goddamn loud— but I'm glad I could hear it now. It was nice to hear it again, to have some weird sense of familiarity, that made me feel a little bit safer, a little bit more like everything was ok, everything was normal.

And Rue was slumped on a beanbag chair, one leg still in a brace, tied with approximately nine "Get Well, Jay!" balloons.

I was surrounded.

Surrounded, and...

Alive.

I was safe.

With the people I love.

It was over.

But why didn't it feel like it was over?

I let my head fall back against the pillow, sighing.

The ceiling stared back.

White. Blank. Empty.

But I couldn't stop the thoughts. Couldn't stop the memories.

The Overlord hadn't just possessed me. He'd infested me. Hollowed me out and moved in. Used my mouth. My hands. My voice.

I hurt them. My family.

No.

No. It wasn't me. It was him.

Everyone kept saying that. Like it was supposed to make it better.

Like it was supposed to make me feel better, reassure me that none of this was my fault.

But I still remembered how horrible it felt.

The power.

The helplessness.

It scared the hell out of me.

I clenched my fists. My fingers trembled.

I looked around the room again.

No one was awake. No one was moving.

It felt like a trick. Like if I blinked too long, if I closed my eyes— they'd all vanish.

Like I'd never made it out at all.

I tried to sit up, but my chest protested with a sharp, hot ache. Bandages tightened. Something beeped. A machine I didn't want to know what it was telling me vibrated loudly.

I froze, trying to steady the beeping so it wouldn't wake everyone up. I'm sure they need their sleep.

I settled back down, wincing, jaw clenched.

My heart was beating too fast.

Again.

Not from fear.

From memory.

It played on loop behind my eyes. The things I said. The things I almost did.

But the scariest thing of all is that I didn't know.

I didn't know a lot of what I did. What the Overlord did.  To the ninja, to others, to Ninjago city.

FSM, that's what scared me the most.

I know that the others won't tell me much of what happened— they wouldn't want to make me feel guilty, or worried, or horrified— they'd keep it a secret, or dull it down to something not so significant.

But I need to know the truth.

I need to know what I did.

Fuck, I'd called myself a hero once.

I sure didn't feel like one now.

I looked down at my hands. Blistered. Burned. Trembling.

I used to love my powers. The way they lit up my fingertips, the way they danced through the sky. Even the little shocks that used to wake me up at night. My power used to make me feel brave.

Like I was doing something good.

Making people smile.

Saving the day. Like we always did.

But now it just felt...

Wrong.

Like every spark was a reminder of how he used it.

I didn't know how to stop feeling it.

Didn't know if I deserved to.

I glanced over at Rue.

She didn't move.

Her face was peaceful. Too peaceful. Like nothing had ever happened. Like she hadn't died. Like I hadn't killed her.

She shouldn't trust me. No one should. I'm not safe, I'm not ok.

Ive failed all of them.

I'd told myself I fought back. That I screamed. That I didn't give up. That I'd managed to break through his control, and that was enough. And maybe that was true.

But I'd still let the Overlord in.

For a month.

I bit the inside of my cheek. Hard. Just to feel something that wasn't guilt.

It didn't help.

I wanted someone to talk to.

I wanted her to wake up. To hold my hand again. Kick my ass. Say something sarcastic and too smart and way too real.

But she didn't.

She just breathed. Soft and steady and not enough.

And I lay there, the quiet stretching too far, too long, with nothing but my thoughts filling it.

"Am I still me?" I whispered to the ceiling.

No one answered.

I didn't expect them to.