Not Alone

Chapter 24: Distract, Delay, Deny

Is fine, up until it's not. 

Low voices slowly coax me back to consciousness as the comforting heat from warm bodies attempts to soothe me back into sleep "...cerning..." "....gancy?" "...didn't like that..."

"What didn't you like?" I murmur, my eyelids still heavy with sleep, as I shift deeper into a warm embrace. A cool hand runs through my hair, gently untangling the snarls and knots. "You should go back to sleep."

I crack open an eye to see Asper's face lying opposite to mine, his expression calm but with a slight tension in his eyebrows. Opening my eyes fully to look around, Dias has his chest pressed against Asper's back, tanned arms wrapped around the pale figure and his chin resting on Asper's shoulder to look over to me. Which leaves Silan to be the husband with his arms wrapped around me, holding me to his bare chest.

"What is it you were talking about?" I ask again. Dias frowns a little, concerned "What was that yesterday? You seemed like you were having a panic attack"

Oh.

Right. I close my eyes again, not really wanting to meet the inquiring silver or concerned green eyes. "Xena?" I don't want to focus on this right now- "I'm fine"

A quick, unbelieving scoff. I glare at Dias, an incredulous look on his face "I am! It was just a weird couple of seconds" "Couple of seconds? Xena, you were stood there for five minutes completely unresponsive!"

I blink "What?" It was only a couple of seconds, maybe a minute at most?

Asper reaches out to touch my face "After entering the storage, you stood there quietly for a long while and would not respond to any of our calls or questions," Meeting his eyes, the concern within them begs me to be honest "What happened?"

I grab one of Silan's large hands from where it's wrapped around my waist, holding his palm close to my chest as his other arm tightens carefully around me "I just- it wasn't anything all that serious. I just had a moment of-of panic, I guess? I was checking on the supplies to distract myself, making sure we have everything we need for the, uh, the birth"

It's silent for a long moment. When Dias speaks, his tone is carefully neutral "I've noticed lately that you've been getting a bad habit going," He sits up, taking his arm off of Asper in order to meet my eyes properly "Whenever some shit happens, you're not feeling it. Not right away. As if you're pushing it aside for as long as you can, like you're saving it for later"

"That's not true, I've been feeling things just fine!" "Really? You weren't upset at the notion of not being able to go home until months later. You've been pregnant for what, 5 months now? And the idea of birth is only just occurring to you now?"

I push myself up into a sit, snapping back at Dias "You're not the one going to be in agony pushing out kids! And I have thought about it, I just haven't wanted to dwell on it and get all panicky for no reason"

Asper slides himself out from between us, his brows pulled in close as Dias gestures widely with his hands "I'm not saying you should! Birth is terrifying, I'm scared shitless for it and I'm well aware it's not me going to be in pain," frustration tenses his face "but that's not even the point here! I'm saying that I'm concerned for you! That when shit happens, like it always does, I want to be able to help you through it at the time it happens instead of just watching helplessly as it overwhelms you later!"

I hiss angrily at him, my voice raising "I'm not overwhelmed!"

Silan stands up and sweeps me up in his arms, tone dark and unhappy "Enough. Dias, go outside. Asper, make tea" Asper looks like he is about to argue for a moment, his hands faintly outstretched towards me, but shakes his head, lips tightly pursed, and heads to the fire.

"Silan! Put me down!" I don't want to be touched right now, but his gait is steady as he walks us into the bedroom.

Setting me down on the plush furs, he allows himself to be moved as I push his arms away from me. He sits next to me, an arms length away as I seethe "I had it handled!"

He doesn't respond. I stand up to start pacing "Dias did NOT have to butt in like that! Yes, I've been distracting myself from certain things, but I've had to! If I 'felt things in the moment' like Dias said," my finger making quotation marks in the air "then I wouldn't have had time to get everything done! There wasn't time to have a breakdown about not being able to go home when we first arrived! There was just so much that had to be done in order to survive and get our home set up-"

Silan gently grabs my hand, interrupting my angry pacing and pulls me back down onto the furs, still he says nothing as he holds my hand. "So I had a moment of panic! You try looking at your own stomach moving and distorting without feeling even a little grossed out! It's gross! And I hate it!" My voice breaks.

I cover my face in my hands, breathing deeply as I fight back the sting behind my eyes.

"I-" a deep breath from behind my hands "I don't like being pregnant," I can't look at him right now, his culture basically is all about the females and pregnancy and children so what the hell does this sound like to him? "I want them. The babies. I do, I promise. I wouldn't have carried them if I didn't. I just hate being pregnant. Not being able to walk properly. My back and ankles always being so goddamn sore. Watching my stomach move like that. It makes me feel a little sick"

I lift my face from my hands, cautiously looking at him. There is a unhappy set to his mouth that makes my heart drop to my already roiling stomach "I want them! I do! That's not-"

He tugs me close to him, my knees knocking against his. His other hand comes up to cup the back of my head as he finally speaks "It is okay"

"W-what?"

"It is okay. To not like it." his thumb strokes the back of my hand as dark grey eyes stare intently at me "It... does not make you less for not liking it. I do not blame you"

I squeeze my eyes shut, the stinging growing as he asks slowly "What can I do? To help you" my mouth twists downward, my voice almost a sob as it breaks "I don't know!"

A deep hum as the hand in my hair shifts down to hold the back of my neck "Can we try? Dias, Asper, and I. Will you allow us to try and help you?"

A small, slightly hysterical, laugh slips through me as I reach up to tightly grasp his wrist "Sure, of course I will" "Hmm. Will you tell us when you need help?"

I scoff in annoyance "According to Dias, I don't know when I need help" Silan tilts his head , his white tipped hair falling across his eyes "Dias meant well. He is scared for you"

Asper walks into the room, wearing his legs for once, three tins of tea balanced in his hands. He quietly hands us our tea and sits beside us as I consider.

After a few moments, Asper speaks up, his tone gentle "I heard from the kitchen, and you were right. At the time I met you and Dias, there was no real time to grieve whatever home it was you left behind," I raise my head in vindication, about to speak but Asper pushes on "But Dias is also right to be concerned"

Asper sips his tea, wincing a little "It was... Not a pleasant experience to see you unresponsive like that. You didn't react to anything, not to your name, not even when I touched you and lead you to sit down. It was as if you couldn't hear us," his tone is fraught with genuine concern "Perhaps we should not have used sex to help ground you, but I didn't know what else I could do"

Oh. Asper... "I'm sorry, Asp" He shakes his head, silver hair falling over his shoulder "No, please don't be sorry. Just," he leans forward, his hand coming up to brush against the silver snake mark on my throat "please tell me how I can help you next time?"

I nod quickly "I will, I promise"

Silan hums "We will try to help you and you will let us. Tell us, if you can" I look back to him "I'll try"

"That's all we ask"