The Educator (dark h.s)

Chapter 32- anxiety

Many thanks to @kadalia for the amazing cover on the side! Xx

"I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?" Ned Vizzini.

•••

I mindlessly watched as the digits on my phone flicked from 8:59am to 9:00am. I knew this was the time when the sound of Niall's loud footsteps echoed throughout the place, the hungry blond on his way to have his before breakfast snuck. I ran a hand over my blotched and tearstained face as a loud yawn left my lips, owing to my lack of sleep the night before.

I knew slumber would never give itself so easily to me after the traumas of last night. I had had countless agitated nights but never as bad as this one.

My level of anxiousness had sky rocketed. I had stayed in bed for the last few hours; cuddled in the safety of my duvet. The haunting fears and phobias hadn't faded away but worsened. The claustrophobia that seemed to have been getting better was now stronger than ever as more tears strained out of my eyes. My gaze wandered around the enclosed room frantically but it was of no use, no windows were in sight.

I finally built up the courage to inspect my body and change out of the awfully ripped clothes.

My body trembled as I dragged it out of bed and toward the plain white wardrobe, pulling out a black tank top, black loose trousers and a black jumper.

Black, the colour of my life and hopes.

I should've never let my hopes up like that, all I got in return for being faithful was a painfully huge blow to my face.

Stupid naïve Gwen, the girl who'd been abused from birth yet had still tried to look on the positive side of life- to see the bright side of all the rotting shit in this world.

Bugger it.

Jasper probably saw me as an easy prey and went for it. No one would care even if they walked on him trying to touch me against my will. I was just here for the bloody sake of their entertainment.

I bit my lips angrily as I shook out of the nasty clothes. Eyeing my wrists and thighs, lines of marks were prominent on the sore and sensitive skin, especially on my wrists which were brandished with new, unfamiliar hand marks.

My face contorted and I swiftly slipped into the clean and dejecting clothes.

I had wanted to be callous, unfeeling, strong and easy-going; just so I wouldn't have to wake to another day of my lousy life but now I couldn't care less.

I wasn't going to pretend any more.

I jumped, rushing towards my bed as the vibration of my phone rattled against the surface next to my bed. A text from Louis illuminated the screen.

'Hiya Gwennie, had to go back home for a few days. Will be back before you know it, love you xx.'

I lightly pinched my arm to check if my eyes weren't deceiving me. When the pinch itched through my nervous system I knew they in fact, weren't.

The upcoming tears were blinked away and before I knew it, the phone was tossed across the room, crashing into the opposite wall. I let out an inhuman bellow and broke out into ugly sobs. I hated this. Now my best friend was gone, my dignity and my false happiness.

No one could save me. Not even the police.

***

Afternoon struck by, and the memory of the night before still stood out horribly vividly in my mind. Having nothing to distract my mind with, memories of the nightmare kept haunting me. I couldn't stop crying.