The Educator (dark h.s)

Chapter 48 - remorse

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realising that the only person you really have control over is yourself." Deborah Reber.

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The feeling of small ants littering up my pants tingled through my body as I slumped down on the sofa, the small device in my hand. I mentally thanked Harry for buying a long cable, so I could watch the video whilst it was charging.

I pushed a small button on its left and the camera roared to life, a blue arrow popping on the screen. My heart was violently pumping, nearly exploding out of my chest like a ticking bomb as I was instructed to tap the video.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Harry giving me an uneasy look before he went to scurry out of the room, leaving me in my own puddle of anxiety. Promptly, I yelled.

"Wait!"

He spun on his heals, sympathy overriding his features. "What's it, love?"

He spoke in the softest octave his voice would ever be able to reach, obviously aware of my trembling form.

"Can you uhm... Stay with me?" I pleaded, unwanted bile rising in the back of my throat as I clutched the black device warily, like it might vanish if I let it out of my watch.

Nodding his head, Harry made his way back to the cushioned sofa to perch down beside me. Almost immediately, I positioned myself on his lap, craving his comforting warmth against my freezing cold skin.

He probably thought I'd want some privacy whilst watching this extremely intimate video of my father after he had committed suicide, departing this stage of existence.

But little did he know I was too scared to face it alone, it was like facing my father's spirit - the last living bit that was left of him before he was gone. Permanently. I trusted him enough to confide in him.

Inhaling shakily, I let my trembling fingers press the arrow. The thing made a metallic sound, causing me to cringe before a clear view of my father came on.

The sight made me seize Harry's hand fretfully, holding our entwined hands to my chest, squeezing it tightly. Upon noticing my anxiety, he started swirling strands of my hair around his long fingers soothingly, giving me room to snuggle deeper into him.

"Hello. This video is meant for my only daughter, Gwen Lily Wilson so if by any chance you're not her, I'll very much ask of you to pause it now and stop being a nosey berk." Dad said coldly, his stern, intimidating stare assuring me that if anyone were to find it before me, they'd sure drop the case off.

I chocked out a laugh at my dad's demeanour, a tear sliding through.

He had barely started yet I was already tearing my arse up.

"Hello kiddo, this is an extremely long video and I hope you can listen to it all. Please don't cry, I don't want you shedding a tear over something that will eventually turn out for the best. You're a strong woman, that's why I'm leaving you this shit, because I know you survived. Ever since you were little you had to put up with so much shit it was unbelievable, yet you've always made it. Quite weird, but this bloody video is supposed to explain some things to you. Firstly, do not for one single second think this is your fault because it's not."

He paused, he was looking directly into my eyes, it seemed. It was hard to explain my emotions right now, mainly I had no idea what I was supposed to feel.

I had never got so many compliments.

"A few weeks ago, I went to hospital for a checkup and some tests."