betwixt

June - July

June 17, 2013     6:01 pm

            It's been two weeks. Things have been getting... strange. I think something in my head was jogged loose during the crash. I’m going to sound crazy but…

            I'm seeing her face everywhere. She laughs with me and jokes with me, like she was never... gone. Just before I came home I saw her buying some coffee. She was wearing my favorite pink cotton knit dress. It made her look absolutely gorgeous. The wide crew neck surrounding her clavicle, the way the dress fit her body perfectly; not too tight, not too loose, and the way the soft pink coordinated with her skin. It all made my heart leap.

            But there are other people too. People that no one else can see. I feel like I'm going crazy.

            I keep telling her she died. I keep telling her she never made it to the hospital. I tell her she saved my life. But she doesn't believe me. Sometimes I don't believe myself. I have to go visit her grave stone and trace her name to remind myself she isn't supposed to be here. When I ask my mother she gives me this pitiful look and nods her head. I don't know what to believe.

            All I know is she died, I survived, but she's still here.

June 26, 2013    2:39 pm

            Ugh. I knew it. You guys are calling me crazy [well not in so many words]. …Well too bad. I see what I see. I hear what I hear. And I can write what I want to write. She was the one who adored the fans more.

            Sorry.

            Anyways, you guys wanted me to share some memories well here it is. This is the story of how we started dating. Actually before we start let’s just all take a second to remember how truly awful we all were when we were in the eighth grade. I mean, children these days aren’t saints.

            It was Friday, June 5, 2009 – the summer before freshmen year. She was not having a good week. She flunked her algebra test, flunked math for the year, she got grounded for forgetting to pick up her brother at school, and her boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her with the some girl who already had twin babies during sixth grade, worst yet she decided to announce this in front of the entire school during an assembly. Her mother, having found out by the rumor mill that is Parents Unite Against Bullying – PUAB, decided to take off the last two days of her punishment. After attending her older brother’s sweet 17 birthday bash at a club we snuck out.

            It was only half past nine. The streets were as rowdy as always. Cops were as nonexistent as always on Friday nights. And she had stolen a bottle of tequila from the club. I walked silently with her listening to my ipod as she took a sip for every other second that passed. I was not really paying attention to where we were headed, I just followed her lead. Next thing I know we were standing in front of this really crappy disheveled looking house. On the front lawn was this too huge tire, she stood on top of it just looking up at a window. One of her high heels was on the side walk and the other at the base of the tire. Not wanting her to lose them, also being extremely wary of the broken glass lying everywhere, I picked up her shoes and properly put them at the base of the tire.

            Feeling me behind her she turned around looking down at me. She looked so sad. I don’t think I could ever fully describe how just truly devastated she was. Being fourteen, when someone breaks your heart they break your soul. Your world crumbles around you, you have trouble breathing, loving, looking. All you want to do is stay in your bed screaming at Disney Princesses about how their Disney Princes are going to break their heart. And then you break down crying because they’re Princes and they know how to treat a women—girl [let’s face it all the Disney Princesses are minors].