betwixt

May

May 1, 2014        10:29 am

            Moms birthday today. Hooray! Thirty….Forty.

            L-o-lz. She is forty today. She’s also a grandmother, for those who don’t know. My brother and his fiancé just had their first kid. It’s a boy. Not to brag or anything but, cutest baby ever. Skin a shade lighter darker than caramel, brown hair, the brightest blue eyes south of the sky, dimples, and chubby.

            I’m an auntie.

May 2, 2014         6:09 pm

            She saw me walk around in the plaza and got mad at me for not being mad at myself for cheating on her. Honestly, isn’t she supposed to be dead?

May 2, 2014         6:40 pm

            I don’t mean to be mean. And I am not just saying that because I don’t want her being all prissy. I’m just asking. Isn’t she supposed to be dead? Shouldn’t I not be able to see and hear her? I need to let go of her. We are broken up. Now I just have to get rid of this invisible guilt I supposedly have. To be real though, I do not have any guilt in me. I have hatred. For Romeo. He was driving. He lost control. It’s his fault.

            Then I remember we were all drinking and I get sad but I accept it. I guess. Not really. Romeo had agreed to be our driver that night before we went on stage. And when I think of him reading this I get mad at myself for blaming him because Romeo and I have been long time friends since third grade.

            The point is that towards her I have no feelings other than love. And sadness. And regret. And more love. Truthfully, sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode from happiness when I am around her. What is a girl to do?

May 2, 2014        7:30 pm

            @ Psych Major: I agree. Maybe it is time I get checked up. Then again I do not want to get sent to a mental facility. What’s a crazy person to do?

May 2, 2014      12:20 pm

            Her house caught on fire. Luckily everyone was okay. Emma’s mother asked if she could sleep over for a few nights. My mother being the kind woman she is agreed. They do not have money to check into a hotel so they will be going to her husband’s father’s house fifty miles opposite direction of Emma’s school.

            I guess I have a little sister for the time being. School at 7:30 am pick up at 2:18 pm. Fits in perfectly to my schedule.

May 3, 2014        2:00 pm

            Being a senor has its privileges. Since I have study last period I can leave early, I just usually don’t since I have nothing better to do. I have been outside Emma’s school since twelve forty five. So I’ll answer some of the messages you guys have been sending.

            No, I have not been play guitar lately.

            No, I have not been listening to music lately.

            Since my band is in horrible condition I can’t perform anymore. I refuse to.

            I’m not sure if I will ever play again. I’ve been thinking about just moving to Seattle, Washington and becoming a graphic designer. Maybe write/draw some graphic novels too. But for right now music is completely out of my life.

            And before you ask. It’s because of her. If it was not for her I would have never started thought about starting the band. So that’s that.

May 3, 2014        3:00 pm

            Eating ice cream with Emma at the park. I feel less mature than Emma. This is bad.

            {Insert photo of Snow making a silly face and Emma smiling, like a normal sane person.}

May 3, 2014        3:40 pm

            Exactly after we took that picture Emma and I had a rather interesting conversation. Well, it would be more accurate to say Emma told some pretty interesting things. For example, she told me I did not belong here. “Where here?” Here, here. As in planet Earth. Or as she called it Never-Never Land.

            I think that’s from Peter Pan right?

            Also, according to her, I will never-never get out. “Hmm…. Really? Get out of where? Never-Never Land?” Yes.

            Seriously? Whenever I ask what Never-Never land is she just says, “You’re in it.” Obviously I asked her how she could get in and out. She responded like so, “I created this place.” Hmm, right. Because things like that are possible. I just let her believe whatever she wants to. It does not do any harm to her. Besides of it was a problem her mother would correct her. I guess.

            I keep forgetting she can see the dead.

May 4, 2014        9:41 pm

            So apparently the fire in Emma’s house started from a plug with newspapers piled in front of them. Her father said he never puts paper near plugs. And to be honest, I don’t think it was either of their faults. I think it may have been Emma.

            Most importantly, since you should never accuse a person without a real reason to believe it, Emma herself told me she moved her daddy’s papers. It is not like it is her fault or anything, she wouldn’t get in trouble either way but still. She moved the papers. Whether it was the newspaper or work related papers I have no clue. To Emma neither of them is different because “they take daddy’s attention”.

May 5, 2014        3:00 pm

            Getting better at blogging every day. To everyone calling me psycho and fake, fuck off!

May 7, 2014        5:00 am

            Lately I’ve been getting this weird sensation over my body. I’m literally going numb—rather I’m losing sensation. The other day I tried to scratch my leg and I kept scratching and scratching because I couldn’t alleviate it, I ended up scratching so much I bleed. Today I tried rubbing behind my ear but I couldn’t feel my skin. It’s so weird. Mom’s taking me to the doctors at the end of the week.

May 10, 2014      3:46 pm

            I’ve been watching a lot of those ghost hunters television shows. They all look so fake to me. I kind of feel bad for the ghosts that really are there.

May 26, 2014      9:56 am

I try to speak goodbye

But they turn to hello’s as they leave my lips.

Your welcoming touch now burns

Like the flames of hell

Ten thousand times hotter

Than the burning sun rays.

Have I condemned my self

Or are you punishing me

What could I have done

To receive a punishment

That would make even

The Devil would cringe

May 27, 2014      7:24 pm

            I don’t know what is wrong with me. The doctors don’t know what is wrong with me. Emma seems to be the only one with answers. Ugh….