betwixt

June

June 4, 2014         7:15 am

            Somehow, for some reason, I’m beginning to believe Emma. I just feel like maybe she’s right. Maybe, after the accident something happened. Maybe I did not walk away like I should have. Or maybe I simply did not walk away. Either way something’s not right about this place.

June 4, 2014         3:47 pm

            This morning I began to see weird things… Rather I wasn’t seeing normal things—things I would normally be able to see. The faces of people—my mom, dad, teachers—for instances they become blank. They had no eyes, ears, mouth, and nose. The only things that was there were cheekbones and skin tone. One second they had no face and the next they were looking at me like I had nine heads.

            The moment I woke up I knew something wasn’t right…

June 7, 2014         5:20 pm

            Everyone’s face has gone completely blank now. The only face I see is Emma—and the dead people. I wonder… if anyone is actually reading this…if the person reading this has a face…a voice. Does the world exist behind my closed eyes?

            I just want to cry. I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe Psych Major was wrong. Maybe I really have gone mad. And maybe it’s getting worst. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything.

June 8, 2014         3:33 am

            I feel like if I close my eyes the world will stop spinning. Like, this is all a lie. This world isn’t what I think it is and, that Emma was right. I don’t belong here. I need to leave. But how? Where? I have nowhere to go. This is my life yet not. The contradictions are driving me crazy. Every time I think about it I feel like my eyes are spinning as fast as a fan on high. My head can’t keep up and the only thing I end up accomplishing is making myself vomit.

            Ever since the accident I feel like I’ve slowly gone insane. I’m looking at my life through someone else’s eyes making assumptions and being prejudice towards myself. Like a Catholic in a lesbian body. God I feel so dirty sometimes. So tainted and disgusting. What the hell is this? It’s like being caught in quick sand completely naked in front of a crowd where no one is willing to help.

June 8, 2014         6:00 am

            I’ve been hiding out in an abandoned building too afraid to face the world. What if I go back and no one has a face? I’ll become a hermit and speak only to the dead.

June 8, 2014         9:49 am

            Emma came to me today. She said I don’t belong here, like we hadn’t already established that. She told me she was sick and always had to go to the hospital. Sometimes she would spend months at a time there. She didn’t know what she had or why they always hurt her but she knew her parents wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. She trusted them. Emma told me, she could see the dead people that walk around. I already knew that. She said that like me they shouldn’t be here. This was her world, the world she created for herself. This was where she came to relax, to forget about the needles in her arms.

            I told her if I could find a way out I would leave. The only way out of this world though is through death. Even if I do go would I ever be able to find her again? Would I go into the light, heaven? Or does he/she really not like gays? Had I condemned her to life in hell? Had she tricked him/her to let her in heaven?

            Too many if’s, and’s, and but’s. I couldn’t. I am out of place here but… I have nowhere else to go. I don’t want to go. Not yet. Not now. Not until I know for sure. I want her and her only. No more being selfish.

June 8, 2014          9:50 am      

            Snow sat at a window bench looking out. The beauty of summer was in full swing. Flowers and leaves had blossomed and grown to their extent. The smell of sweat and ice cream tickled the air. The laughter of kids as they returned home from school echoed into the building. But the beauty of it was dulled, stained, and insane to Snow.

            She began to think about all that happened in the last two years. All the pain and laughter. But like all pain is much stronger than happiness. Snow, though she no longer cried, still was heartbroken. Peter may have momentarily eased the pain he couldn’t cure it, especially for how short it lasted. It is during times like these that they say “The only one who can cure a broken heart is the one who caused it.” But the one who caused it is not there anymore.

            For the first time Snow began to think about, though ludicrous, suicide. She had already acknowledged that she did not belong there anymore. She had acknowledged that the people she saw were in fact dead and the people who were ‘alive’ no longer had a face. Maybe the fact that she could see dead people was a sign. Maybe during the accident she died for a few seconds but came back to life—or never came back to life. Maybe, she was supposed to die beside her but for some reason did not. Maybe she lived and Snow died.

            “Snow,” She heard a voice call. She moaned in response. The sickly sweet voice called again. Louder this time Snow moaned in response. The voice called a third time when Snow finally realized she was alone. Stunned and slightly terrified she turned to look around the room she was in. Finding it empty and hearing the voice call again she exited the room. After searching the part of the building that was accessible she realized it was empty and she had finally reached rock bottom.

            She…had finally and completely lost her mind.

            The voice called a fifth time. Snow sat down putting her elbows on her knees and her face in her palms. She breathed in deep and finally, heard it. She finally heard what Emma had been telling her. She could finally hear what she could not before.

            “If you can hear me I need you. I want you. I…I can’t live without you. If you can hear me, come back to me. They… They’re going to pull the plug. Please, I love you. Please. I’m begging you here, Snow. Come back to me.”

            Snow felt tears drip onto her arm but there was nothing there.

June 8, 2014          9:51 am

            Is there something betwixt life and death? I think… I might be in…limbo. Maybe…

            I need to find a way out.

            ……..