Raw [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 11

The sound of the keys scraping across the table is the most beautiful sound and in response, I lurch myself off my bed and towards my door.

He is home. Finally, he is home.

It's half past three and I have to be up for work in about two and a half hours, but I can't seem to care about that. My only thought and concern right now is the man who is now walking past my door towards his.

My heart is beating wildly in my chest and my palms are sweating. My body is so conditioned to feel fearful about diving into the unknown that it's already resisting before I can even take my first step. Before I can back out of my own plan, I take a deep calming breath and head in the direction of his room.

My stomach flip-flops when I come face to face with his closed bedroom door. He didn't even come to my room to look for me. He just closed his door, knowing that if I was asleep I am probably plagued by an awful nightmare because I'm without the shield of his arms. The sting of rejection takes my breath away and clenches my heart.

Mustering up every bit of courage that lies within me, I turn his doorknob and walk into his room. I can see him lying on his back in the middle of his bed through the light shining out of his open bathroom door. It's just enough light to see that he is lying on top of his blanket and is only wearing a pair of jersey pajama bottoms.

He lifts his head to look at me, but doesn't utter a word as I turn slightly to shut the bedroom door behind me. No longer caring that this could end with my heart smashed beyond any point of repair, I force myself to pad across his bedroom floor and clamber up onto his bed.

I crawl over him, settling my body directly on top of his and rest my chin on his bare chest. Like the gentleman that he is, he lets me lie there while waiting patiently for me to make my next move.

His heart is racing, just like mine is. It feels like our hearts are chasing each other as we lie here silently, feeling the familiar thickening of the air around us. Our chemistry never disappoints, it's always palpable and intense.

Resting my hand on his chest, I look up at his face, seeing that his eyes are tired but not void of the warmth that usually resides there. I feel mostly reassured that I haven't lost him, so I square off and take my dive hoping like hell that I'm not about to drown.

"James, I'm so sorry." I tear my eyes away from him, feeling my trepidation creeping up my face. "I'm not seeing Ian, or anyone else."

His face is impassive and he seems to be waiting for me to continue speaking. I chew on my lip to keep my chin from quivering, then throw caution to the wind. "The truth is... that I'm not seeing anyone because ... because I'm only interested in you. I'm fal... " I pause, not able to utter the words that will reveal the deepest part of how I feel. "I'm interested in you, in the possibility of ... of more... But, it scares me because I'm feeling things with you that I haven't felt before."

Even though I stammered most of that out in a jumbled rush, I feel glad that I got it off my chest, because at least now, even if he rejects me I will know where I stand and can more forward.

His body deflates beneath me and I can feel the tension leaving him in a rush of what seems like relief. With my forehead pressed against his chest, I can hear him exhale loudly just as he grasps me on either side of my waist and pulls me up the length of his torso so that his face is buried in his neck.

I wrap both of my arms around his head as his hands leave my waist, wrapping tightly around my back. We cling to each other tighter than we ever have before, passing unspoken words of forgiveness and need to one another.