Raw [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 20

I fly through the front door of my dad's house and barrel through the living room, down the hall and into my old bedroom. Somewhere along the drive here, I completely lost it and fell apart in the car. I'm surprised I made it here in one piece without driving myself off the side of the road.

Falling face first onto my bed, I let my body purge itself of everything I'm feeling and wail loud enough into the comforter to shake the walls around me.

"Sugar bear?"

Inhaling a gush of air, I try to form words. "J-jus ... J-just g-go away."

He grunts, like old men do when then find ill humor in something that has been said that isn't intended to be funny, then sits down next to me. "Now, ya' know that's not about to happen. Tell me what's botherin' ya."

I squeeze my hands into fists, bunching the comforter up in the palms of my hands. "I ... I just c-can't Daddy!"

He places his hand on my shoulder, "Ya' can't what, Ror?"

Another piece of something snaps in me, breaking down something inside of me like a fallen tree in the forest and I sit up in a rush as words come to me finally. "Love!" I screech breathlessly. "I can't do it, Daddy! Relationships, falling in love! I just can't! I want to and I can't!"

"Did that guy break ya' heart, sugar?" His face is oozing with compassion and sympathy for the hopeless mess that I am. I want to throw myself in his arms because more than anything, I need him to hold me – so I do. I fall against my Dad, the only person in my life that I've always trusted with my heart, needing him to hold me tightly so that I don't fall apart any more than I already have.

"We are breaking each other's hearts." I cry into his shoulder. "It's a big mess." My body shudders against his, so he tightens his arms around my back, holding me closer against him.

The pain I feel does nothing to mask the pure humble and cathartic emotion that washes over me in this moment as I feel myself become a little girl again. A little girl, who just needs her Daddy to hold her and tell her it's going to be okay. I am not blind to the fact that I am lucky to have this man in my life. This man who has sacrificed every bit of who he is for his girls and always gave his all even when he didn't have it to give. No man will ever measure up to my Daddy, not now and not ever, which is why when I've reached my lowest, low I have found myself comforted by his arms.

He can't fix this situation, nor can he fix all the broken pieces that make me who I am, but he can provide me with the safety of his arms around me until I feel strong enough to face the world again. He is my shield, protecting me from all that I fear. From love, from pain, from uncertainty.

"Why is it a mess?" he asks, rubbing his hand up and down my back as I heave against him.

"Because," I wail. "Because I just can't let myself go through with it."

"Go through with what?"

I hiccup, "Love. With love. I'm so afraid of it, Daddy! Everything I've ever loved has hurt me, so I don't want anything to do with it! I was fine. Fine! I was focused on my goals, avoiding relationships, I was happy and now everything is messed up!"

"Were ya' really, sugar?"

I wipe my eyes on his shirt sleeve, "Yes. I was, because I wasn't overwhelmed by all of this. Love has nothing to do with my career and I was moving up at the company, focused and now I can't get through a single day without falling to pieces because this man makes me crazy!"

"I think you might be wrong, Ror."

"No!" I insist. "I'm not wrong! I didn't feel the pain I'm feeling now."