Raw [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 17

The sound of my name on his lips should be a sweet relief, but instead it's just a reminder that he is home and my sadness has evolved into anger. The kind of anger that doesn't simmer until a point is made or an objective is met and right now, my objective is to make James see that running is wrong.

I barrel out of my room and into the living room, where he is standing kicking off his shoes. "We need to talk," I seethe.

He opens his mouth to speak, but I interrupt him, "James, I deserve to know why you're doing this to me. I know we haven't really spoken about our feelings, because apparently we're both huge cowards, but I think it's pretty obvious how we feel about each other. Why did you run away to Montana without talking to me? Why do you think that you get to choose what is or isn't good for me? Why don't I get to choose?"

His eyes dart from my red face, to Maggie's surprised expression from the doorway of the kitchen. I wasn't aware that she was home, not that it would have stopped my outburst. She knows what is going on and would have heard my word-for-word account eventually anyway.

"Why are you looking at her? Look at me. I'm the one talking to you."

He sets down the two coffees in his hand, that I didn't realize he was holding until now. I can't ignore the guilt that crashes against me as I realize that he thought about me enough to bring me a coffee. "Rory, can we please go talk in private?" His voice is soft and gentle, a mixture of anguish and calm, as though he is trying to break the first piece of bad news to me. I hate the tone and wish he'd just yell back or something.

"Why? Do you think Maggie doesn't know what is going on? Maggie knows everything, James. Who do you think met me at the airport when I ran after you? Or held me every night while you were gone so that I didn't cry alone? Or patiently waited until I was speaking again? Maggie did! She cleaned up the mess you left, so pardon me if I don't give a shit that she is standing here witnessing my decision to finally confront you."

His face is ashen. "You came after me?" His adams apple bobs in his throat.

My brow furrows. I can't believe that out of everything I said, that was the only part he absorbed. "Of course I did, James, because unlike you I am not running away from this just because it's scary."

"I'm so sorry, Rory." He takes a step toward me, but doesn't reach to touch me. He looks tortured as he clutches the back of his neck with his hand nervously. I'm pleased that at least I struck a random nerve of emotion, one that looks like remorse. "I honestly never intended to hurt you, I just know you deserve better than me."

"Well, you did hurt me and you're still hurting me." The admission sends a queasy ball of nerves into the pit of my stomach. I never openly speak about my pain, not even to Maggie. I'm actually surprised that I just said that. "How do you know what I deserve anyway? How do you know that I don't deserve you?"

The expression on is face is one I'll never forget. It's the expression of a man in pain, but with warm eyes. "I know that you need to be with a man that can love you in the way that completes you and makes you whole."

Another piece of my heart breaks away, at his completely true statement. I do need that, but I also believe that he can give me that. "And why exactly can't you be that man? Am I not what you're looking for? Because, James, when we're together it sure seems that I am. Why is it when we're not naked and humping each other somewhere that I'm not what you need!"

He takes two quick steps towards me, stopping inches from my face and I flinch, involuntarily stumbling backward a step until the back of my knees touch the coffee table. "Do not ever speak about what happens between us like that. It's never been just getting naked and humping each other, Rory, and you know that. I do feel something with you and it's because it means more that I know I'm not what you deserve. I care about you too much to let you waste your time with someone like me."