Raw [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 22

Boneless. Sated. Calm. Happy. Loved. In love.

Those are just a few words that can describe how I'm feeling at this current moment. The sun is just starting to rise and James and I still haven't settled down to sleep for the night. After sharing the most tender kiss of my life, James lifted me easily off the floor and carried me to his bed, where he made slow, reverent love to me.

There has never been a time that making love has felt more powerful to me than it did in that moment. With tears in both of our eyes, amongst hushed apologies and words of love, we connected in a way I never knew was actually real. It was potent, raw and the epitome of intimate, and it felt like the beginnings of healing each other.

Afterward, James wrapped himself around me and he finally started speaking to me. Actually speaking, about his feelings, his past and what he hopes to become our future.

He opened up to me about his own fear, which is rooted with deep trust issues. He explained how Caroline woke up one morning and basically told him she didn't love him anymore, with no warning or anything provoking the her sudden lack of feelings. The entire situation was devastating and he is still recovering from her betrayal. He trusted her with his heart and since the death of his parents and his football career, she was all he had. She knew that, but still chose to leave him, knowing that she was all he had in the world.

He explained how his parents died in a car crash when he was young and why he is so obsessive about wearing a seatbelt. It seems that if his parents would have been wearing their seatbelt, the might have survived. A piece of my heart broke for him, listening to him talk about all the 'what if's'.

The hardest part about listening to him let me in, was to learn about how lonely he has been for most of his life. After his parents passed, he went to live with his old, great aunt who didn't do the best job of including him in her life. Then, once he started high school his only friends were those on the football team, besides Caroline. She was the only person who knew who he really was and after they graduated, she was the only person that remained in his life. For ten years, she was his everything. His friend, his lover, his confidant but mostly someone who cared about him enough to listen to him. Since she left, he has been completely alone again, which is his biggest fear. He hates to be alone, which is apparently why he has the tendency to cling to those he loves. I smiled at that last comment, because we share that quality. I tend to cling to those that I love to, which I suppose means that going forward we're going to be one of those annoying couples that do everything together because we don't know how to operate otherwise.

It was obvious to me that he had a challenging time letting me in, but I know he did it so that I would feel comfortable enough to do so in return. "James?" I say after spending a comfortable moment in silence with him.

"Yeah, baby?"

I angle my head up to look at him, taking a moment to trace the line of his jaw. "I want you to know that you will never be lonely again. I'll never leave you. You are my life line now." I chuckle at how disgustingly cliché I sound. "I think I need you as much as I need air. I feel like I can't breathe without you."

He kisses my forehead, my nose then my mouth. I smile into his kiss, feeling more comfortable now than I've ever felt, and I don't mean just physically. Speaking to him feels easy and I actually feel brazen about it for the first time. He has popped off the lid to my emotions, exposing them all, unapologetically.

"Are you tired? Or, do you want to hear me explain my outburst earlier?" I'm both surprised and not surprised that my cheeks don't heat as I refer to my frantic and loud admission about why I hate love. I should feel embarrassed for breaking down like that and exposing myself in that way, but I don't. I feel closer to him and am glad he was able to see the emotions attached to the feelings I was able to finally articulate to him.