Raw [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 12

I stare unseeingly at my computer monitor, trying without success to focus on that fact that my mind should be on work and not how this morning was unlike any other morning James and I have spent together. It was amazing. No, it was more than amazing, it was mind-blowing.

Instead of one of us silently leaving the warmth of our embrace and tip-toeing out of the room to get dressed for work, we spent what felt like hours memorizing every inch of each other's bodies. His fingerprints feel tattooed onto my skin and his lips have branded me with the sweet burn of his kisses, making me feel claimed. I never thought I'd like feeling claimed by a man, especially since I've focused so much of my life on being independent, but the feeling of being his, of having his dominant hands on my body is unmistakably satisfying. I can't ignore that the feeling is one that I can't imaging ever losing. I want to be his, only his, for as long as he will have me.

When we made love, it wasn't hurried and lustful like last night, it was slow and tender. We savored the feeling of each other's bodies, touching, nipping and kissing everywhere while rocking together in a sensual rhythm so naturally it was as though we were made specifically just for that moment.

It didn't seem to matter that it was five-thirty in the morning, that we had only slept for barely a couple of hours or that I needed to start getting dressed for work. We let the world drift away and loved each other wordlessly, not caring about what obligations or responsibilities waited for us.

It seemed like what happened last night was like the mother of all ice-breakers, catapulting us into a brand new reality where neither of us are nervous, shy or afraid. In this reality, we are both brazen, needing to touch each other constantly, kiss each other until our lips ache and feverously clutch onto each other unrestrained and with a regretless abandon that until now, I never knew truly existed.

We showered together and he worshiped the length of my body, seeming just as insatiable as I was. He pinned me against the tiled wall and loved me again, this time with and unspoken urgent need that devoured me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and bit down on his shoulder to keep myself from screaming out as my nerves splintered and snapped in to millions of exploding stars. Afterward, he cleaned off the scent of his exertion with his body wash, then sent me to work smelling like him, feeling cherished and loved for the first time in my life.

Sitting here, I'm feeling love drunk and high on my peaked endorphins, not able to focus on anything but the smell of his pine scented body wash coating my skin. I've decided that going forward I am going to be open about myself and willing to travel into the depths of this uncharted unknown place in my damaged heart, as long as he is there with me. Maggie's words continue ringing loudly in my ears and it seems clear to me now that she was right, James and I can heal each other and the only way to do that is to let him in. Tonight, if the time is right, I think I'll tell him why I was triggered the other night. I'll start there, easing my way into the murky desolation that is my past.

My phone pings next to me and all but leap out of my chair in excitement, hoping like some post-coital loser that it's James telling me he misses me.

I deflate, seeing Matthews name on my screen.

You're still coming tonight, right?

Coming where?

You seriously suck. I can't believe you forgot.

I'm sorry, Matty.  I've been a bit of a self-absorbed jerk lately. What's tonight?

I pull up my calendar on my desktop, seeing "ROCK AT THE PARK" written in bold, underlined text that's in all capital letters and immediately I feel like the worst person on the planet. It's Matthew's first big show and I promised him I would come.