Raw [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 15

Although I was seething last night, James' proximity has seemed to pull me out of the darkness slightly. Even though I am still heart-smashed and there is still so much unsaid between us, just knowing that he is here for me to speak to or yell at if I choose makes me feel stronger. The strength his nearness both comforts and infuriates me simply because of the sheer unfairness of it. I wish I could be angry enough to hate him, but I just simply can't. I couldn't hate him if I tried. I feel embarrassed to admit it, but I am still feeling the gravity of my heart falling in love with him, even if he is behaving like a self-righteous jerk right now. I'd shamelessly wilt into him if he'd let me, because I am so tangled in this downward head-over-feet free fall that I can't help myself.

I'm certain that the fact that I still have such strong emotions for him, after being rejected in such a cold manner, was the root of my anger last night. I think I just wanted him to feel something, even if I was completely irrational and immature about it. His rejection really sliced me deep because I was prepared to talk to him and even forgive him for leaving and running away to Montana. I never expected that he would have rejected again and after he did, it was like another stomp to the already broken and fragile pieces of my heart. And now, I'm not sure what to do about any of it. I'm terrified of speaking to him again because I'm certain I'll either fall apart into another embarrassing display of uncontrolled, weakened and completely heartbroken emotions or I'll become irrational and want to scream at him. Neither reaction is good, so I feel forced to avoid him which means I'll probably end up at my Dad's for a bit until I figure out what to do.

I suppose the silver lining in James' dramatic homecoming is that I spoke for the first time this morning in almost five days. I wish I could report that it was something happily stated, but I unfortunately cannot. It was a word choked out with yet another fit of sobs. As Maggie usually does, she patiently spoke to me about neutral subjects and gradually pulled more words from my throat, one syllable at a time until I was mumbling sentences again.

I am so pathetic.

With Maggie's insistence, I am finally powering my cell phone back on.

"Are you going to try working today?" Maggie asks me from inside her closet.

"I think so," I mutter weakly already feeling overwhelmed with the number of voicemail messages displaying on my home screen.

She pulls a fitted shirt over her head, "I think it's probably best for you to resume your normal routines."

I nod at her, because I believe she is right, as I listen to one of the many messages left by Alex from work. "Hey Rory, I hope you're feeling better. I just wanted to let you know that a Caroline Riley has left three messages for you. She said that she wants to meet with you about selling a place in South Thomaston and needs to do it this week because she is leaving the country. Can you call me back to let me know if you can manage this or not? It's Thursday."

That voicemail was left yesterday, so quickly dial Alex's direct line to let him know I'll be in the office today. "Hello, this is Alex." He says in a voice that is much too chipper for my current mood.

"Hi, Alex, it's Rory."

"Oh, wow! Hey, Rory. How are you feeling? Camile said that you were really sick this week."

That's the understatement that was given as an excuse for my absence by Maggie to my boss.

"Yes, I haven't been well," I lie meekly. 'I'm feeling better now and plan to be in today. Can you please return the message from Caroline Riley and let her know that I can meet with her anytime today?"