NOVA.
Jahani might of assumed that sex resolved the tension between us, it didn't do anything but confuse me even more. Sometimes I wish that I was a bird that could just fly away from all of these problems that seemed to follow me. I hated the though of not having Jahani be in my life but something was holding me back in trusting him and being with him fully again.
Anxiously nibbling on my lips as I pressed the cold glass to my lips, sipping slowly. I'd been in the darkness of Caio's apartment on the large l-shaped sofa with my thoughts and SZA playing quietly from the bedroom. My chest felt heavy as I was overwhelmed with my emotions. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry over spilled milk, wiping the tears that raced down my cheeks. Not liking this side of me and completely blaming it on the fact that my period was going to be here in three days, that's also my excuse into why I caved in on giving into having sex with Jahani.
Getting up from the couch and making my way through the apartment with the light provided by the moonlight coming through the floor to ceiling windows. I'd never get tired of these views. Glaring down at the phone screen while wiggling my toes in the fur rug. When the phone began ringing I held it to my ear deciding against even calling in the first place until his husky voice came over the phone,"Wh-whatchu want?" By the sound of his voice I knew that I woke him from his sleep.
"What's happening to we?"
"Nova, its 2:34 in the morning." He grumbled making me suck my teeth as I combed back the strands falling from my pineapple bun.
"Well, I can't sleep...so I wanna know what we're doing here? Clarify some things." I stood by what I said about having a break but he was pushing the envelope like I knew he would. It wasn't considered a break if we'd still been fucking around. I don't wanna leave him but I also don't want to make it seem like it's okay for what he did to me.
"You the one who wanted to split. I'm only respecting your wishes, baby. But if you wanna talk about it I'm sitting in ya lot," Jahani ended the call, I furrowed my eyebrows and didn't question it long before I slid into my all red Adidas slides before leaving out of the apartment building. Taking the stairs so I had more time to think of how I was going to approach him and hold myself while conversing with him, but I knew whatever I strung together in my head would quickly fly out of the window. With the way he looked at me and talked it all just put me in a trance.
Once outside the cool air hit my body causing goosebumps to break out all over my exposed legs. It felt like the dead of winter when in reality it'd been the middle of August, to think that it's only been a little over a month Jahani and I've been messing with one another shocked me. I knocked on the passenger window waiting for him to unlock it, seeing him all the way laid back and music bumping which could be heard from outside. His hands had been in his pants, phone on his chest and head laid back with the seat completely reclined towards the back seats.
After a moment the door was unlocked allowing me to slip into the warmth of his vehicle and hit by the pungent aroma of marijuana. Already knowing that he was stressing because that's how he eased it away. I guess I was waiting for him to speak up but from the looks of it that wasn't going to be the case. Staring intently at the side of his face, was this dude sleep? He opened one eye and glanced over at me,"You gon say what you gotta say or just stare at me?" Jahani grumbled, somebody's not nice when they wake up.
I rolled my eyes and bit my tongue on all of the remarks I was ready to fire at his ass but decided against it because I didn't come down here to argue. "Sex doesn't fix everything, Hani, I'm not happy."
"Ok, we can make it work. I'm willing to make it work. Talk to me. You the one who wanted to be on this dumbass break instead of letting me explain my side of things or sticking by me." Scoffing and tilting my head at this motherfucker, waxing my teeth over my bottom lip.
"You forgetting the reason that we aren't together right now is because you wanted to be out messing with these bitches, disrespecting me and shit, same night you took my virginity. Yeah, you might be sweet-when you want to be but how I know that she wasn't the only one? That I wasn't just some fuck to you. Maybe I was in over my head getting involved with you-" He licked over his lips and closed his eyes. My jaw clenched tightly.
"I'm not going to sit here and pretend that at first that wasn't the case, just fuck and duck you but the longer we started being around with each other I knew differently. Before I knew it my little ass was whipped...I ain't know how to feel about it because catching feelings wasn't in the plan, falling for you wasn't the plan. So yeah I did you wrong, I kissed on some female when I shouldn't have but you seriously overreacting over some bitch that I'm not even worried about."
I stifled a laugh,"It shouldn't have ever happened if you claimed that we was something. It should've just been us no other factors in a two partner relationship, last time I checked we wasn't in a polygamy. I told you from the jump if you going to have me out here looking stupid don't waste my time." My voice cracked but I wasn't about to cry. I stuck around for him while he was running around the D rolling up them motherfuckin' Swisher sweets.
"You act like I'm there niggas you used to dealing with. When I said that I got you I meant it Novs-"
"Somebody who got me don't do shit like that. Slip away when I need them the most, you knew I was vulnerable and you used it to your advantage. Because my brother was dying and I felt like I needed to keep you around but I d-don't need you. Wish I would've knew before I caught myself falling for you." The time might of been short and we were young but the feelings were scary, it was like I had no control of what'd been going on. How deep in this I really was.
Jahani remained silent like my words had no meaning, chewing on my lips while I watched his blank expression. Waiting for him to respond but it's like he was incapable of feeling anything as he just kept his eyes focused out of the window. Them trees ain't that damn interesting. I would've felt more comfortable if he reacted in some way this just scared me the longer I watched him.
Sighing softly while undoing the necklace around my neck with his name before dropping it into the cupholder, his eyes shifted towards it for a split second and his jaw clenched. I pushed open the passenger door hoping he'd pull me back towards him just to tell me that I was being delusional and he was as down for me as he spoke about but none of that happened. He kept the same silent, heated glare.
After being in my apartment for a moment I grabbed my phone to call Money. It was going on three in the morning he was probably asleep. Right when I was getting ready to hang up he answered the phone,"Nova?" He breathed heavily. Some girl in the background sucked her teeth and began popping off."Girl, it's not even like that...she like family, my boy's girl. Shut up." They went back and forth for a minute.
"Sorry about that," Money responded, rustling in the background. "What's up?"
"Didn't mean to cause problems but uh, I think you should check up on Jahani."
"Why? Something went down?" Worry filled his voice.
"No, no...well, kind of...we broke up and he's just. I don't know, even if I'm done with him romantically I don't think it's good for him to be alone I don't want him out doing anything stupid or anything like that. He's in my parking lot." I sighed into the phone, nibbling on my lips.
Money grinned into the phone,"Hm." It seemed like there was something behind that but I didn't question it too heavily because he gave me the answer I was looking for that he'll come and check on him.
"Thanks, hope I didn't mess anything up with you and ya girl."
"Nah, she good," He chuckled lightly. "Take care lil bit." I ended the call and rubbed my hands down my face.
I should've never fell for a nigga like him.
