NOVA.
The tips of her chipped fingernails danced across my cherry chapsticked lips making me smile foolishly, I rolled my eyes and spun away from her. She was a distraction. From everything going on, the bad, the good and the confusing. Nibbling on my lips while furrowing my eyebrows at her aligning the putt of the club before waking a golf ball into another groups game.
Throwing my head back in laughter before cheering that I won the round,"You suck." She scoffed, pouting.
"Can't help that I got skills!" I exclaimed, swinging my hair as she fought the smile on her face, batting her long eyelashes.
"Ok, but I bet I'll whoop your ass in GoKarts," Nirvana raised her eyebrows.
"Threat or a promise?"
"Whatever you want it to be," She popped her lips making me chuckle and shrug her off.
"You guys done flirting?" India placed her hands on her hips--almost making me forget that Shiloh and India tagged along as well. "A bitch is hungry and this heat got my forehead beaming."
"Why didn't you go and eat then?" I blocked the sun from my face as she glared at me harshly.
All four of us slumped inside at a round table with food so greasy you would've thought it took a bath in the cooking grease. Picking at my Chilli Cheese Fry basket while slurping down the Slurpee and listening to India rant about Slim' lawyer.
"So what're you guys going to do now?" I licked the nacho cheese from my thumb and raised my eyebrows.
Heavily she exhaled,"I don't know...he's going to try to talk to some of his uncles to cover the lawyer bill and see where we can go from there."
"You tell him yet?" I nodded towards her stomach while she rolled her eyes up and away.
Shaking my head and snatching one of Nirvana's wings from her basket receiving a swat on the back of my hand,"Don't get slumped, Nov."
"You wouldn't," I slyly smiled.
"Says who? I'd sell you to Satan for a Dorito."
"Screw you."
"Damn buy my meal first and then we can talk." Rolling my eyes while unlocking my phone to see a few messages that I didn't bother opening and responding to. None of them from Jahani which was unusual because everyday something came from him. Shrugging it off as we went about our day.
Nine at night I was being walked up to my apartment building by Nirvana,"Your friend is crazy. When she almost fought the dude who didn't give her her funnel cake." She laughed loud enough for the whole lot to head but it was adorable and made me smile hard.
"Yeah, she's crazy." I stuffed my hands in the pockets of the bomber slouched over my body.
"Sometimes crazy is good."
"Unless it gets you arrested," I smiled slightly at the time India and I got arrested back in high school.
"You've been arrested?"
"That's another story for another time." She nodded slowly as we stopped in the lobby, I nervously giggled tucking my hair behind my ear.
"We should do something tomorrow," Nirvana suggested.
"Cool with me." I nibbled on my lips turning on my heel before I felt a light grasp on my forearm, pulling me towards her. Brushing my lips against hers as my face grew hot. Her lips feeling like the flesh of a rose and causing goosebumps to sporadically radiate off of my skin. We pulled away like something hot touched us,"See ya." Departing ways she heading out into the night and me towards my mailbox. Unlocking the door as I took out a few envelopes along with a yellow package, furrowing my eyebrows while making my way up to the apartment.
Kicking off my shoes by the door, setting my keys on the counter and adjusting the air conditioning. Shuffling through the mail that was mainly junk and a letter from some college before cutting open the package. A CD fell to the floor, flipping it over in Sharpie read This is everything I didn't say. Knitting my eyebrows as the package had no sender or message just a CD. "Okay...?" I rolled my eyes and grabbed my laptop off of the couch, placing the CD in the disc tray and waiting it for to load.
"I really hope this safely got to you," Jahani shakily exhaled. "You're probably confused or maybe not so much..." Grabbing my phone from the back of my pocket to send him a text to figure out what was going on. "Shit, I'm already choking on my pride. I'm fucked up but I swear I'm trying. I needed you to have this, I needed you to know that I didn't suffer, that I-I'm so much more than what I made out to be. You never did anything wrong and I don't want you to blame yourself because none of this was your doing. I guess I was terrified of letting you in because I've became so damaged over the years that when something so pure and innocent enters my life I don't know how to respond to it. And you don't even realize how fucking resilient you are...damn the hands that ever tried to dirty you, me included. I would destroy myself to fix you. I thought I was dreaming when you said you loved me because how is that even possible, you are literal gold." Pausing the audio and chuckling, not because anything was funny because I didn't know what this was suppose to be. Some kind of romantic way to apologize or just something to help him sleep better at night.
"I'm sorry I let you down. Everything I loved became everything I lost. I didn't even get to say fucking goodbye to you, shit. Even if my presence is the last thing you want-" Cutting the audio to call his phone for it to be sent to an automated voice. What the fuck? Snatching my keys off of the counter and sliding my feet into my shoes. Getting into my car to go to University of Michigan--I needed to go to his dorm and talk to him. He needed to know that my feelings were brash but not directed towards him, that I care more than anything about him.
We didn't work together romantically, but the experience and journey we had couldn't be fucking replaced. Nibbling on my lips as the wind cooled off my sticky skin. My heart raced and chest tightened. Something in his voice didn't set well with me, it didn't sound like Jahani. Pain laced his heavy voice, and it wasn't the kind that could be repaired. Clenching the steering wheel as I went ninety down the highway. Nothing came from him, calls or texts.
Goodbye. Why would he have to say goodbye?
Pacing down the hallway as I glanced at each dorm number for his, frantically, stopping in front of the bedroom door with its caution tape around it. Silently standing in front of the quarantined room, glancing down both ends of the halls as a student was passing. "Um, have you seen Jahani?" The kid gave me a confused look.
"You talking about the kid that killed himself."
"Nah, uh a different kid," Unlocking my phone to scroll through pictures I had of us and showing the boy. "Him."
"Yeah, that's the kid who blew his damn brains out Wednesday night." He nonchalantly responded, pacing away.
But I needed him.
