Teen Idle

|15| - Anxiety

I've been self-diagnosed for at least three months now.

Um... How do you know you have an anxiety problem?

Thirteen motherfucking tests online. I know they may not be accurate, but they all said the same damn thing: "You may have moderate generalized and social anxiety. It may have a snowball effect in the future." If that doesn't say anything, then I don't know what does.

Why? Can't you just go to a professional and confirm it?

Well, that's where it gets complicated. I have mentioned the narrow-mindedness my parents possess many, many, many times in this book, but I am far from exaggerating. This is not some bullshit Tumblr story. I'm being real when I say this: My parents will not believe me.

Why won't your parents believe you?

Though my mother and my father are knowledgeable about society and some mental illnesses, they will take any opportunity to blame it on my friends, my laptop, my school, etc... They will not take me seriously. They will tell me that I'm just nervous or that what I'm feeling is not valid. It physically pains me inside to think of opening up to them about my feeling and have them shoot me down. 

Well, you never know that they'll reject you if you haven't tried!

There's a thing called being observant. I know how to pick up hints at how my parents feel towards things, even if they are trying to be subtle. For example, my mother was watching a movie where one of the children suffered childhood trauma and is severely troubled. The child attempts running away multiple times and often shuts herself out from the world. My mother made some rather horrible comments about how her parents should have "beaten her 'till she behaved" and how "she should be ashamed of ruining her parent's reputation."

Now, take a moment to acknowledge the amount of the utter pain I felt when she said that. The gut-wrenching feeling when you realize your parent's true colors. The pang of guilt for feeling the way you are feeling. 

Oh... Well... Have you opened up about your feelings about anything in general in the past?

Hell to the no. If I had a problem, I kept it to myself. If I ever did, my parents would lecture me about A or yell at me for B. I'm genuinely terrified of opening up to them. I vent to my friends or random people on the fucking Internet. My parents cannot give less of a shit. All they care about is me studying for the SATs, getting a perfect score on the SATs and ACTs, getting into an Ivy League, and me getting off the Internet and be a "good Indian girl."

What do you think is the cause of it?

High school, the constant pressure of my parents, my friends becoming increasingly distant by the day, the crippling fear of being judged by my peers, the shit I did in middle school coming back to haunt me, people fucking with my feelings and manipulating me, the constant feeling that something bad is going to happen, etc... The list can go on.

What are you doing to help?

Ranting online and texting my friends. This has been a never ending routine. Whenever I rant to my friends, I feel like they think I'm annoying. It's the worst feeling in the world, honestly. They say that they honestly mean every word they say but in the back of my mind, I still feel like they don't care and I don't know why. 

I'm just a confused human being that lacks the ability to get off my ass and socialize with human beings like a normal person. I have no idea what to do right now now that I've gotten this off my chest.