Mornings at Duke's (GirlxGirl)

Sincerely, My Broken Heart

I am not good at relationships.
I always manage to find flaws; sometimes in others, but mostly my own.

I foretell the ending then go and create the cause save myself and end up alone.

Song: Kodaline/ High Hopes

Emily,

I can't do this anymore.

This "pretending" and the game we play. You don't know how it feels like. It's tiring Emily, it really is. My heart, my mind, I, am extremely exhausted. You are choking me yet you can't see it, being on my mind every second of the day. My heart breaks every time you go back to him yet you don't notice. Do you realize the weight of this burden I struggle to carry?

Can you?

Everyday I wake up feeling worse than ever with your absence next to me. The cold pillows, sheets... you were missed. You are the one who is constantly on my mind, who haunts me every damn second. Ironic it is, you are not next me and probably, I don't even come close to your mind.

At least not the way you haunt me.

I realized, by trying to ignore, forget you, move on... all I could think about was you.

I tried seeing other people. After you said that we could never ever get together, I simply collapsed in my own world. None of them was enough for my liking. Nobody made me feel the way you did and still do. I tried accepting them as they were but it just made everything worse.

The way they smiled or the way they blushed... it only reminded me of you and made me realize how much you mean to me.

I want to scream, yell to your face; fuck off, leave me alone, why are you doing this? I want to hit, punch the hell out of you because of the pain you cause. Something I have never ever felt or experienced before. You are constantly killing me.

But I can't...

I can't even handle seeing you hurt forget about hurting you. I wouldn't dare to give you hell because I know what it's like and you deserve much more, so much more.

So I cried. A lot.

Cry so hard my tears would dry out in the end. I never knew something like that was even possible. The sun doesn't shine any brighter, the birds don't sing, being with someone else... don't seem so great... at least not anymore.

My chest hurts Em. First time it happened I actually thought I was having a stroke, can you believe that? Taylor would have laughed. I was that far away from the thought of having feelings for another, but I came to understand the reason behind it in time and luckily... it wasn't a stroke.

When I see you walk in the Duke's every morning, looking as gorgeous as always, every day getting more prettier like it was possible (how?!), I can't breathe. It's like you are a virus and you have influenced me, my rib cage hurts like someone is pushing, my lungs start to lose their functions, I feel like someone just poured a box of ice on me, I shiver. However, at the exact moment my body feels on fire. My inside burns. I try to adjust, prevent the feelings but it never happens.

Never did.

It only gets worse day by day.

Every other day feeling the pressure on my chest more and more. Everyday I become sicker and I knew now, that I can't ever recover from this, I don't even want to and God knows ignoring the feelings is harder.

'Love'... that one word that I forbid myself from ever speaking of or thinking. It was the Voldemort of my world. Only later on I realized I was actually afraid of it. Sleeping around with bunch of people, one night stands and all that. Just because I was a coward who was afraid of the reality.