Day 37
Dear diary,
Mom said that Louis came yesterday to check if I'm back. Wow I thought he's not concerned about me!
Good thought
Maybe he misses me and maybe he will finally say that he loves me..
Bad thought
Oh no Harry, you're dreaming again!
As if he's going to love you back you gay shit.•••
Ugh what a shit. Can't control my negative thoughts again. I wanted myself to improve but I think it gets worst! (Negative thought! Alert!)
By the way, I finally went out of the house, all alone! I got to go into the remarkable places. The places where Louis and I spend our most of our times together.
I spend my time in the restaurant we both love,which is the 17 Black. And then I went to the park where we actually met.. And I got this new tattoo in our favorite tattoo parlor downtown. I got this "Won't stop until we surrender" tattoo in my arm. I think it symbolizes our love,like I won't stop till he surrender his love for me..Harry and Louis got tattoos
When I was 15 and he was 17, we got our first tattoo which is the Oops! for Louis and Hi for me. Like it states our first conversation in the park. Even though our parents are against this,we still got a perma tattoo because we think it's cool. Yep, were bad boys.
The second tattoo we got is the rose and the dagger. And this one is pretty obvious because it is placed in our arms and our parents ,well they allowed us! Yey! After that we got loads of tattoos in our arms,we even got it in our chest.Good thought
These tattoos symbolizes our love story.
•••
So an update in my depression this week, Marie allowed me to go out all by myself to improve my emotional state and it did! Negative thoughts are slowly decreasing but still I can't get rid of it.. It always pops in my head everytime I think of a situation or things whatevs.
And oh oh! The dosage of my meds is down to 40 mg yas! My last dosage was 60 mg but hey what an improvement H!
Marie gave me an assignment this week in my recovery diary and she said that I should 1. Let her or my family know if I'm thinking about suicidal thoughts 2. Go out of our house for maybe twice a week 3. Do something that has a purpose like fix my bed and prepare my own food.
Like honestly, I just wanted to lay down on my bed 24/7 watch random movies,read book, and go online all throughout the day. But she forced me to do it, so I did because she said if I did this then I'm ready to face Louis with confidence.. But she said that before that, there are still many appointments and assignments to conquer before I finally face Louis. But damn, I just really wanted to see him.
Oh how I wish I'll improve that fast.
All the love, H.x