Better

Chapter 4

Day faded into night more quickly than I expected. I took a shower, then sat around, throwing up in a bucket and shaking from the pain pulsing through my veins. I could tell that Tanner had dealt with someone withdrawing before. He knew exactly what he could do to help, and what he couldn't. So he mostly just sat beside me, rubbing my back and continuing to comfort me with his voice.

By midnight, the vomiting had finally taken another break. I sat on the couch, trying not to fall asleep while Tanner was in the main house. He'd gone to tell his dad he had a guest. When he came back, he was smiling.

"Told you he wouldn't care."

"Does he want to meet me?" I asked him.

"I told him you were sick. He has some big meetings soon so he didn't want to risk it. You have time."

I breathed a sigh of relief, shivering as chills ran down my spine. A second later, they happened again. But this time, it was because Tanner's hand touched my shoulder.

"Come with me." He said quietly, picking up his camera from the coffee table.

"Where?"

"Just come."

I watched him walk to the front door, standing up when he opened it. I was in a lot more pain now than I'd been in earlier. But I followed him anyway.

Tanner walked across the yard and stopped in the middle. Once I joined him, he layed down. I watched the light from the moon melt into his blue eyes. Glancing at the stars, I acknowledged their beauty. But he really was more ethereal to me than they were.

"Come here." He said quietly, running his right hand over the grass next to him.

So I layed down beside him to stare at the stars. I spent a few minutes looking up, trying to remember the names of constellations. But it didn't last long. My eyes soon fell back to Earth, back to Tanner.

"It's amazing, right?" He sighed, not noticing that I was looking at him as he aimed the camera at the sky.

"It would be even better if you weren't looking through a lense."

He laughed a little, then continued.

"There's so much out there. We're so god damn small that we seem irrelevant. But if we didn't exist, nothing would be the same. It might be some, small, unnoticeable shift. But it would be different."

I was silent, waiting for him to continue.

"Or maybe there's nothing. Maybe there isn't as much out there as scientists believe." He whispered, "But, I think there is. I think there are worlds out there, things we don't even have the ability to dream of. Different dimensions, foreign elements, things we won't ever know about. That's why I like pictures. One day there might not be any evidence of us left here. Documenting the fact that we're real makes me feel a little less temporary."

Again, I stayed quiet.

"What do you think?" He asked, turning his head to face me, "What's out there?"

"We're definitely not alone." I answered, watching Tanner snap a picture of me, "But, I don't think I'd care if we were. I have what I want down here."

It didn't really sound like a suggestive sentence. But lying in the grass, listening to the wind in the trees, the moon lighting up his face, it was. I could feel the tension in the few inches between us. Tanner just kind of watched me for a minute, a slight smile on his lips.

"I'm happy I found you." He whispered.

"Me too."

He blushed a little and laughed, deepening how badly I wanted him. I watched him bite his lips while glancing at mine. He wanted to kiss me. I knew he wanted to kiss me. No one had ever really wanted to kiss me before. But he soon sat up, and I knew why.

I might have been dirty, and he didn't want to get sick.

It hurt a lot, but I understood. I didn't know if I had anything. I was pretty sure I didn't. But I didn't want to infect him if I did.

"Come on," Tanner sighed, standing up and extending a hand to me, "It's colder than I thought it'd be."

When we went back inside, I went to the couch. But Tanner stopped me.

"You can sleep in my bed."

"I'm not taking your bed again."

"You're not." He smiled, "We're sharing."

He softly laughed at my confusion. I figured he'd want to be away from me because of what had happened outside. But he didn't.

"If you puke in your sleep, you'll choke." He said, using my withdrawl as an excuse, "What kind of friend would I be if I let you die?"

Friend.

The word stung. But I tried not to show it. At least it was something. So I followed him back to his bedroom and layed down. I tried like hell not to watch him change. But he wasn't trying to be discreet. So I let my eyes drift, tracing the muscles as they moved in his back and noting a dark birthmark on the back of his left thigh. I reverted my gaze when he turned around. I don't think he really noticed.

I moved to the wall when he got in bed next to me. The bed was a double, but just a double. It wasn't extremely wide. So it was difficult not to let even a leg touch his.

"It's fine, Keaton." Tanner sighed, "I don't mind if you touch me."

But I was honestly afraid to. If I touched him, I'd want to touch more than just one place. I didn't want to accidentally go for more than what was safe. So I kept myself away from him.

Half an hour passed. I was sure he'd fallen asleep. So it startled me when he spoke again.

"Keaton, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel it?"

I was almost completely sure I knew what he meant. But I needed confirmation.

"What exactly?" I asked.

"Nevermind." He sighed, "It's stupid."

"No it isn't. Tell me."

He turned over, using one arm as a pillow.

"Just, like we connected really deeply, really fast."

I tried to hide my smile, but the moonlight coming through the window let him see it.

"So you do?" He asked, "You know what I'm talking about?"

"I do." I sighed.

"Cool."

For a second, that was all he said. Then his expression changed, and he continued.

"I really want to fucking kiss you." He groaned, bringing his eyes to meet mine again, "But you know why I can't, right?"

I just nodded, completely ashamed of myself.

"Doesn't mean you can't sleep closer to me." He sighed, reaching to push my hair out of my eyes.

I moved, but only about two inches closer out of fear that I'd scare him. He just smiled, sliding his body so it was touching mine and resting his head on my chest. His fingers were long like mine, and laced perfectly into the spaces between them. I felt a rush of calmness flow through the pain that surrounded my bones.

"Yeah?" He said, looking up to make sure I was okay with it.

I just nodded, letting my lips touch the top of his head. I knew he couldn't get sick from that.

For a little while, I let myself think about things. I wasn't cured. I was far from cured. But now was the first time I'd ever really thought that maybe, just maybe, I could see a future for myself that didn't include dying before I turned twenty. It sounds crazy, I know. I just met this boy. But I wanted to be with him. I'd never felt so at peace with a person before. I'd never, ever, felt so safe. And I was hoping, maybe I'd get lucky this time. Maybe I'd never have to feel so low again.