Better

Chapter 12

For the rest of the time I spent at the police station, I just stared at the ground. I couldn't stop replaying what Tanner had said to me.

"Good luck finding someone else that actually fucking cares!"

I'd ruined it. All I'd wanted was to get some extra money so I could buy the boy I loved more than anything else something nice. And I'd managed to ruin everything.

After being held for a little more than four hours, most of us were released because they didn't have any evidence of what we'd done. Wes drove me back to Tanner's because he could tell I wasn't in a good place to make it there by myself.

I called Tanner six times during the drive, having him reject them all, before he turned off his phone. I now realized that what I'd done was stupid. But there was no way for me to tell him that. He didn't want to talk to me, and I wasn't sure he ever would.

When we pulled into the driveway, the lights were off. I didn't want to think about him out somewhere, crying to someone about what I'd done. But I also hoped he wasn't crying alone.

"Tanner?" I called into the darkness when I went inside.

I got no response. So I turned on all the lights and went into his bedroom. As soon as I walked through the door, I could feel the difference. Something wasn't right, and I knew exactly what it was.

"Tanner?" I shouted again, knowing I'd get no response.

His laptop and camera were no longer sitting on the desk. His shoes weren't scattered on the floor like they usually were. When I opened the closet, it was empty besides a few things that were mine.

"No." I whispered to myself.

I ran out of the house and across the yard to his father's backdoor. I spent a minute banging on it before he answered.

"Where is he?" I asked, ignoring the tears that were falling from my eyes.

"He went home, Keaton." He sighed.

"Fuck!" I snapped at myself, "When did he go?"

"A while ago. His plane is probably in the air."

"Fuck!" I repeated, clasping my hands on top of my head as I tried to calm down.

"You have until tomorrow to go." His father said next, "I'm really disappointed, Keaton. I thought you two had something special."

I just nodded to him, then walked back across the yard. Wes, who had stayed in the driveway, was out of the car now.

"He's gone." I said quietly once I got to him, "I ruined everything."

I put my few belongings in my bookbag, then went back to Wes' apartment with him. He said I could stay there as long as I needed to, that it wouldn't be any trouble. But I wasn't worried. If I couldn't get Tanner to talk to me, I wouldn't be around much longer anyway.

"You know, I never even got to hear about this guy."

We were sitting in his bedroom, watching a movie and eating Chinese food. I hadn't really been paying attention to anything but my phone. I just kept staring at the screen, hoping like hell that his name would appear. But I heard Wes when he spoke to me.

"His name is Tanner Joseph Dunn. He'll be eighteen in two days. He's going to school for film. And he is undoubtedly, the love of my life."

Wes was silent, waiting for me to continue.

"He's the sweetest thing in the world." I sighed, "He has this way of making me feel okay just by looking me in the eyes or speaking. And he has such a mind. He's just so optimistic and hopeful, but he's not naive."

I took a second to think, surprised by the fact that talking about him was making me feel better instead of worse.

"He loves cameras. Like, he's such a good photographer. He'll just like, pull out his camera and start taking pictures of you while you're talking to him. But they somehow come out looking like art." I told him, "Not to mention how beautiful he is. I mean, he's hot. But that isn't even what I'm talking about. Like, every aspect of him is perfect. My favorite thing is watching him when he's sleeping. Then, I can focus on all the curves and the lines and the bones that make him."

I felt my mood start to fall again as I kept going.

"I was supposed to go to Seattle with him."

"Then go." Wes shrugged.

"He hates me." I groaned, "My plan is to wait and see if he calls. If not I'll probably relapse and hopefully that'll kill me."

"Seriously, Keaton?" Wes snapped, "You've got a guy out there who loves you, but you're thinking about drugs?"

"You're literally high right now, Wes."

"I'm not the one with someone to live for."

"You'll find someone."

"That's the thing though." Wes said, his voice cracking, "I already did. His name was Max, but he died three years ago. A drunk driver hit his car head-on. We'd been together since we were fourteen."

We were both silent for a moment. I didn't know Wes that well. So I'd never been told about Max. I couldn't imagine losing Tanner so tragically.

"All I really know about life is that once you find the person you're meant for, you don't ever get to go back to how things were before. You'll never be able to kiss someone else without imagining the taste of their lips." He said next, his voice cracking, "Keaton, if you think that this guy is the guy, I need you to go after him. I don't want you to ever have to know what it feels like to lose the person you love."

I just nodded and hugged him. He was crying now, which made it hard for me to keep myself from doing the same. I didn't try too hard to fight it though. I was already heartbroken. But what Wes had just told me upset me even more. There was no reason for people to have to go through pain like that.

I tried to call Tanner one more time. But either his phone was still off, or he'd blocked my number. So I made myself go to sleep, hoping I'd dream about a world where Tanner was sleeping in my arms that night.

Wes was gone when I woke up. It was past noon, so I assumed he'd gone to work already. I sat up, managing to stretch a little before the sadness set in again. Checking my phone, I found that Tanner hadn't called me back. I hadn't really expected him to. But the silence was making my chest feel tight.

It took me a minute to notice the envelope that sat beside my phone on the bedside table. It was marked with my name, so I opened it. The first thing I found made my heart stop for a second; a plane ticket from Philadelphia to Seattle. The second thing I found was a note.

Keaton,

I figured you were going to be too scared. So I decided to force you. I can't let you lose this boy without fighting. I never got the chance to fight for my love. But if I had, I'd have taken it. There is no feeling worse than losing the love of your life. Don't make yourself feel it.

Let me know how things turn out. If you need to come back, I'll buy you the ticket. I know we've never been very close. But I know where you've been and I know where you are.

Don't be here when I get home.

xx Wes