Better

Chapter 9

At five o'clock, I sat on a city bus. It was now the end of July. I'd been working for Tanner's uncle for about a month, and things were going well. I'd been working on myself for a little longer than that. And I was happy to be able to say that that was going pretty well too.

"Hey, are you on your way home?" Tanner asked me when I answered his phone call.

"Yeah. Should be there in twenty minutes."

"Okay, awesome. Dinner is at seven. I love you."

"Love you too." I sighed, hanging up.

Once his voice was gone, I felt a little sick. Half of it was because I was ridiculously in love and I missed him constantly. The other half was fear.

"I'm in the bathroom!" Tanner called to me when I came inside.

I dropped my book bag on the couch, then followed his voice down the hall.

"Which tie is better?" Tanner asked me, holding up two options.

"The black one." I sighed in response.

Tanner looked up from the ties, finding my eyes in the mirror. He set them down, then turned around and grabbed my hands, pulling me closer to him.

"Bad day?" He asked.

"No. It was fine."

"Then why do you look sad?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Is it bad?"

"I hope not."

I was feeling worse with every word. Getting this off my chest wasn't going to be easy.

"Okay." Tanner said, sounding confused.

I turned and walked to the bedroom, holding tightly to one of his hands. Once we both sat down, I made myself start talking.

"You're going back to school in like, three weeks. Right?"

"Well, yeah."

"Back to Seattle?"

"You know that."

"Where does that leave us?"

"I'm confused." Tanner said, smiling, "I already asked you to come with me."

"I know you did." I sighed.

"Then what's the problem?"

I was quiet for a second, trying to find the perfect way to word my thoughts.

"I'm worried."

"About what, Keaton?"

"You."

He didn't say anything. He just stared, waiting for me to continue.

"You told me you loved me without even knowing me for a week. And that was like, the best moment of my life. Because I love you, Tanner. I love you so much. But then you told me that you don't usually like guys, which I don't mind. I really don't. But since saying that, we haven't even talked about sex."

His eyes got misty when the last word escaped my mouth. But I had to continue.

"I'm just... I've been worried that you don't actually want me. Like, you're really only attracted to girls. But you don't seem to have a problem kissing me, or saying you love me, or calling me your boyfriend. So not being attracted to me can't be the problem, can it?"

Again, he was quiet. A few tears rolled down his cheeks. I hated myself for making him cry. But I wasn't really sure what was upsetting him yet.

"I'm not trying to pressure you, Tanner. If you don't want to have sex with me, it's fine. I just want to know why you don't want me."

"I do." He sighed, "Trust me, Keaton. I do."

"Then what's wrong?" I asked him, "Do you still think I'm dirty? I haven't been with anyone else since I met you and you know I got tested."

"That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before he spoke.

"I'm about to tell you something that I've never told anyone. And I need you to listen, because this is the only time I'm gonna talk about it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I haven't been totally truthful." He began, sliding back to the wall and hugging a pillow to his chest, "I've known I like guys as well as girls since I was like ten. But, when I was thirteen, I... My dad's friend did some shit to me that you aren't supposed to do to kids. And it really fucked me up."

I wasn't going to make him say it. I understood what he meant without him having to use the actual words.

"So I just focused on dating girls, and I was planning on staying like that. I wasn't gonna bother dating any guys, because I'm afraid of them. I'm fucking terrified of men because of what that jackass did to me. But, I changed my mind when I met you. I fell in love with you before I knew your name. And I decided that I couldn't fight that."

He was crying now, and I felt sicker than I had before.

"So, no, Keaton. It's not that I don't want you." He sighed, "I want you so bad that it physically hurts sometimes. I'm just scared, because my first and only male experience was rape."

I wiped the tears from my face as they fell. I didn't need to be crying right now. I needed to be comforting my boyfriend.

"I'm so sorry." I sighed, moving so I was beside him again.

"It's not your fault."

"I know. But I didn't have to be so selfish."

"Wanting to know why I'm acting weird isn't selfish. I get it."

He let go of the pillow he was holding and moved so that he was sitting in my lap. He layed his head down on my shoulder, hooking his legs tightly around my waist.

"Can you just hold me for a minute?" He asked quietly, shaking from the tears that were still escaping his eyes.

So I wrapped my arms around him, slowly running my fingers along his spine and softly kissing his neck. It felt a little odd to hold him like that. I mean, he was usually like this; wanting me to hold him and constantly needing some kind of physical contact. But I'd never had to calm him down like this before. I had a natural need to protect him, but I'd never had to be strong.

He kept crying for a few minutes. I waited until he'd calmed down a bit to speak.

"You take as long as you need." I whispered into his skin, "When and if you decide you're ready, I promise to keep you safe."

"I trust you." He said quietly.

Another minute passed before he sat up. I watched him take a deep breath, wiping the tears from his face.

"Lets go get this dinner over with." He sighed.

We were going to dinner with Tanner's father tonight. He wanted Tanner to see a friend of his before we went back to Seattle.

"Baby, wait." I gasped as he started to get up, "Your dad's friend. Is it... the same one?"

His eyes fell. I could feel the anger building up inside me.

"Why would your dad do that to you?"

"He doesn't know. You're the only person I've ever told, Keaton."

"I can't let you do this."

"I've been dealing with him for years. I'm used to it."

I started to say something else, but he continued.

"I just need you to be cool about it. I wasn't even gonna tell you until after we had to see him because I knew you'd freak out. But now you know. So you need to promise me you won't say anything. Okay? Promise me."

It was painful, but I promised. No matter how hard it was going to be to pretend nothing happened, I would. I couldn't let my anger hurt Tanner.