Better

Chapter 18

Colors never looked as bright after Tanner died. With him went a piece of me that I could never even hope to get back. But I never really wanted it back anyway, not without him.

Twelve years passed, and I woke up alone. There was no quiet breathing from a body next to me. There was no one clinging to my chest, begging me to hold him for just a little while longer. I knew he wasn't physically with me anymore. But I'd catch a whiff of his cologne or see something he used to like, and I'd be able to feel him. I didn't know if I believed he was still close. Maybe his energy was still with me. Or maybe thinking I could feel him was just my way of coping. But either way, I hoped he could feel me too.

I still spoke to him a lot. Twelve years later, I still kept his clothes in plastic bags so I could smell him once in a while. I still had his camera and cell phone. When Lua and I moved out of our apartment, I'd taken all of his things with us.

My bedroom still looked like two people lived in it. But there hadn't been another man in my bed. I knew I should have tried to move on. Lua, who was sixteen now, constantly begged me to try dating. But I just didn't want anyone else. Even thinking about it made me feel sick. Tanner had loved me enough for three lifetimes. I didn't need anyone else to pretend they could love me the same way he had.

"I miss you." I said quietly, hugging his pillow to my chest.

Some days were harder than others. Most of the time I was fine. I was used to missing him. But sometimes I'd wake up, and just start crying. Usually, though, I could pull myself together pretty fast.

I got out of bed at six o'clock. It was a Thursday in late October. So Lua had to go to school. I went down the hall and opened the door to her bedroom. She was still out cold. I walked over and sat down beside her, running a hand through her tangled blonde hair.

"No, Dad." She groaned, swatting my hand away.

"Time to get up, Bean."

"Can't we stay home today?" She yawned.

"Not today. Come on, Lu. Let's get going."

I didn't have to leave as early as she did. So I went to cook her breakfast instead of going to get ready. She was done surprisingly fast. So she actually had time to sit and eat with me.

"Hey, Dad?" Lua asked as she picked at her eggs, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Lu. What's up?"

"What, uh, what exactly did Daddy want to do? Like, with his career. I know you've told me before but I can never remember and I wanted to write something about him for English class."

She looked so nervous to ask the question. We talked about Tanner all the time. I never wanted her to feel like he'd never existed. But she hated risking upsetting me by mentioning him first.

"He was going to become a director." I told her, "He wanted to make a documentary about the world from a ton of different people's perspectives. That was his biggest goal."

She nodded slowly, then continued.

"Whose perspectives?"

"Well, everyone. It was still a loose idea. But I know he wanted to use both of ours." I smiled, "You were four, and I was a recovering addict. So our views were probably pretty different."

"I really wish I'd gotten to know him." Lua sighed, "I remember things but, it keeps getting foggier. I was just too little."

She looked like she was still thinking, so I waited for her to continue.

"I remember when it happened." She said quitely, "I think that's the most detailed memory I have from being so young. I remember you leaving me with Aunt Lyss. Then everyone was crying. For like, a week, no one would stop crying, and I didn't know why. Then you told me that Daddy had to go to heaven. Then everyone stopped crying."

"I had to take care of you. I couldn't be a total wreck forever."

Lua was quiet, glancing between her plate and me.

"You did well. I hope you realize that." She sighed.

I was silent for a minute, watching Lua watch me. It occurred to me that she didn't really know how bad I'd been before. I'd told her. But I'd kept it all sort of vague since she was so young. But she was sixteen now. She was old enough to know just how well I'd done.

"Hang on. I want to show you something."

I got up and went into my bedroom. From underneath the bed, I pulled a small cardboard box. Pulling the top off, I quickly shuffled through the stack of photos I'd been hiding. They were all either of Tanner or the both of us. I kept them under my bed for when I really needed to see his face. But there was one photo that didn't really fit the rest.

"Here, Lu." I said, handing her the photo as I sat back down.

My heart sank as I watched the shock grow on her face. It was the photo Tanner had taken of me the day he'd convinced me to try to get better. We'd been lying in the grass, discussing just how small we were in the grand scheme of things, and staring at he stars. But I'd only been watching Tanner. This picture showed that. Sadly, it also showed a version of myself that I didn't want my daughter to be familiar with.

"You were so in love with him." Lua smiled, her eyes focused on the picture, "I can see it in your eyes."

"I hadn't even known him for a whole day when that was taken." I sighed.

Lua nodded slowly, her expression changing back to one of astonishment.

"You were so sick, Dad."

In the photo, I was covered in bruises. My hair was dirty, my eyes were sunken in, and I looked like I hadn't slept in days.

"If I remember correctly, I hadn't eaten in close to a week there." I told Lua, "I really don't understand what your father saw in me."

"Well, I'm happy he saw whatever it was. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have you."

Lua stood up and put her dishes in the sink. Then she grabbed her bookbag off the table and walked over to me.

"Thanks for being my dad." She said, kissing me on the cheek, "Daddy would be proud."

She left to catch the bus then; leaving me alone. For a minute, I kept staring at the photo. Judging by how bad I'd been before, and what I was like now; Lua was right. Tanner would be proud of me.

I went back into my bedroom and put the photo back in the box. I was about to put it away, but then I saw his face. I sat down on the bed and pulled out a few pictures. Looking at them made me feel good. We were so young in them. Tanner looked so happy. It felt awful to not have him around anymore. But, just like he always wanted, these pictures were proof that he was real.

"Kinda sucks that I'm only thirty four." I said, sort of speaking to the picture of Tanner that I was holding, "I've still got a good forty years left in me, babe."

I paused a second, leaving room for where Tanner would have told me not to say shit like that.

"I'd go now if it weren't for Lu." I mumbled, "Isn't that weird? The only reason I don't want to die is because I need to be here for her."

Another moment of silence passed. I could hear his voice in my head; yelling at me for being so dark.

"You know, Tanner, I really thought my life didn't have a purpose. I thought there was absolutely no reason for me to be alive. Then when I met you, I thought maybe my purpose was to love you."

I'd said this, or a variation of it, to him a hundred times. But making sense of all the bullshit in my life always made me feel better.

"But that wasn't right." I continued, "Loving you is a privilege. But when I lost you, I realized that my purpose is Lua. She's why we met. Somehow, the universe knew she was gonna need someone to take care of her when you couldn't."

There were tears in my eyes now, but I was smiling. Looking down at the picture I was holding, I could see so much of Lua in Tanner. Their eyes matched. Their hair was the exact same color. Even their smiles were nearly identical.

"Thank you for giving me a purpose, my love." I said quietly, kissing the picture before I set it back in the box, "You made me better."