Better

Chapter 13

At eight o'clock, I was halfway to Seattle. I had a window seat, so I'd been able to keep from talking to anyone. I doubted anyone wanted to talk to me anyway. I was a wreck.

I was walking down the streets of Seattle by midnight. Chris had given me the address of Tanner's apartment, which was around six miles from the airport. So I got in a cab, and was standing at his front door by twelve thirty.

It took me a few minutes to get the courage to knock on the door. This was it. He was either going to forgive me, or say goodbye to me forever.

"This is the one night I get to sleep." A girl mumbled as she opened the door, "What do you want?"

"Tanner." I told her.

I watched her jump a little, rubbing her tired eyes. She was tiny, wearing a big tshirt as a nightgown. Her short blonde hair was sticking up everywhere. I'd definitely woken her up. But I couldn't make myself feel bad.

"I totally should have recognized you from the pictures." She said, "I can't believe you're here."

"I need to talk to Tanner."

"He's hardly spoken to me since he came back. I doubt he'll want to talk to you."

I could feel myself tearing up as my frustration built. She could see how upset I was.

"Tell me why I should let you in."

"Because I love him." I said, unable to think of a better reason.

Tears were streaming down my face, and I wasn't bothering to try to hide them. I couldn't handle this. I just wanted my boy back.

"I'm Alyssa." She said, holding her hand out to me.

I shook it as she stepped to the side. I went in, watching her walk across the living room and stop at a door.

"If he doesn't want you back, you need to disappear. Okay? Just leave him alone."

I nodded, letting my eyes fall to the floor.

"Teej, you awake?" Alyssa asked, opening the door to his bedroom

Once she left the room, I couldn't hear what was happening. So I just stood by myself, staring at the floor while I waited. I didn't hear footsteps when he came into the room. But when he did, like the first time I met him, the air seemed to get cleaner.

"What are you doing here?" He asked me.

His eyes were red and swollen. I hated myself for making him so upset.

"I need to talk to you, Tanner."

"I haven't picked up or returned a single one of your calls. What part of that makes you think I want to talk?"

"I don't care if you don't want to talk!" I snapped, "I'm gonna talk. You aren't the only person in this relationship."

"What relationship?"

"Fuck, Tanner! Shut up!"

He was clenching his jaw, and there was so much anger in his eyes. But he nodded slightly, telling me to say what I needed to.

"I didn't do anything. I was never gonna do anything. I was just gonna have some guy pay me to watch. I know that doesn't sound good either. But I never had any intention of cheating on you."

"Why should I believe you?" He asked me.

"Because you should know me well enough to know I'd never lie to you!" I said, feeling sicker knowing that he was questioning how much he trusted me, "Tanner, you're the only thing I have going for me! Why would I knowingly risk losing you?"

I could see him holding back tears now. He stood quietly for a minute, keeping his eyes on mine.

"What you did was fucking close to cheating though. Wasn't it? That's the one thing I made you swear you wouldn't do, Keaton."

"I know it was close. I'm sorry. I just wanted to get you something nice."

"I told you not to get me anything."

"You deserve the world Tanner. I couldn't get you nothing."

"Don't you fucking get it?" He snapped, "Keaton, you are my world. I was completely serious when I said I just wanted you."

I was quiet, hating myself more with every breath I took.

"You promised not to be with anyone else." Tanner continued, tearing up now, "And not even a day later, you call me from jail and tell me you got arrested for prostitution. Do you realize how much that hurt me? You're the only person I've ever trusted with that stupid secret, and it felt like you didn't give a damn."

"I didn't touch anyone, Tanner. And no one touched me. I know how dumb it was. I just wanted to make you happy."

I watched him wipe the tears from his face, keeping his eyes on my as he did.

"There was no physical contact?" He asked.

"None."

"And you never thought about it?"

"Never."

"What do you think will happen if you ever do something so stupid again?"

My eyes turned back to the floor. I didn't want to think about that.

"You won't forgive me." I answered quietly, "Because I won't deserve it. I hardly deserve it now."

We'd naturally drifted closer to each other while we were talking. He now stood just a few inches away from me, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. I could tell that he didn't want to forgive me so fast. But soon, he was exactly where he was supposed to be; wrapped up in my arms, clinging to me like he could never let go.

"So you're not going to kill each other, right?"

I'd forgotten that Alyssa was in the room. Tanner buried his face in my neck while I looked towards her and shook my head.

"Awesome. Then I'm going to bed. Nice to meet you, Keaton. Night, Teej."

I waited until she was gone to laugh.

"Who's Teej?"

"It's a curse." He sighed, "My mom called me TJ when I was little. So everyone who knew me before I was fourteen calls me that. But Lyss wanted to be special, so she says Teej."

"I think I'll start calling you that."

"Want me to break up with you again?"

"No." I laughed, tightening my grip on him, "I'd really rather you didn't."

I took a needed shower before going to bed. Tanner joined me, but the most sexual things got were tiny kisses on shoulders and necks. Neither of us wanted anything to do with sex tonight.

I sent Wes a text that simply said, thank you. I didn't know what else I could say to him. He'd saved my life.

We didn't talk much once we were in bed besides the few times I said 'happy birthday' to him. Otherwise, I just held him, humming quietly and scratching his back until he fell asleep. I was still awake at four o'clock. I couldn't make my mind relax with my body. So I carefully got up, and walked to the window.

The street below was still pretty busy, but I was used to that. Cities never slow down. Every few minutes I'd see someone walking down the street, and they all reminded me of myself. We were six stories up, so I couldn't see details. But I kept thinking about how my life had been so recently, and almost was again. I was that person, walking down the street in the middle of the night. I imagined everyone I saw tired, high, and terrified. I never thought my life would be anything but that. I was so sure I was screwed before.

"Baby, come back to bed. I'm cold."

I looked back at Tanner. His eyes were closed, but his arms were stretched towards me. So I went back and returned to my place behind him. Once he was asleep again, I allowed myself to join him. I didn't feel so scared now. I was in an unfamiliar city without any idea of what I was going to do next. But as long as I had this, had him, I'd be okay. I wanted to get better. I wanted to be better. He deserved that.