Better

Chapter 3

I didn't know what Tanner saw in me. Maybe he just wanted to help someone. His personality seemed to fit that. He just gave off such a welcoming aura. Genuine kindness. Or maybe he was feeling the same odd desire I was. I hoped like hell that it was the second one. I wanted him to be able to feel this connection. But I'd never had anyone actually like me. So if he did, I wasn't going to know how to handle it.

Once it seemed that I was finished throwing up for a while, we went to the city. I'd decided to let him try to help me. It was mostly for his sake. But maybe it really was time for me to try.

"This street?" He asked me.

"Yeah. Park there."

We pulled up in front of the bar. When I spotted Wes and a girl named Madelyn, I got out.

"Dude, what happened to you?" Madelyn asked, hugging me when she saw me.

"I don't know."

"You look terrible, Keaton." Wes said, pushing my hair away from my face so he could look at the bruises.

"I always look terrible."

"True." He sighed, "But not like this. You're all cut up."

"Look," I said quickly, wanting to get this over with, "I just wanted to tell you guys I'm done."

"Shit, Keaton. We'll help you." Madelyn gasped.

"No. Not like that. I'm not going to kill myself." I sighed, "I'm gonna stop being such a fuck up."

"How are you planning on doing that?" She asked.

"Not sure yet."

"You wanted to die yesterday."

"I still do." I said, "I mean, I did. I don't know."

"What changed your mind?" Wes asked.

I glanced back at the car, then looked at Wes and Madelyn again.

"I saw a sign."

"A boy?" Madelyn whispered, smiling.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on. Did you meet a boy?"

"I got raped last night." I said, startling them both, "A boy found me knocked out on the street, and offered me help. So I'm gonna take it."

They both hugged me goodbye, saying they hoped to never see me again. I struggled not to look back as I walked back to the car. This was the only thing I knew anymore. I wasn't getting out of it easily.

The next place we went was, well, my house. I made Tanner park a block away because I didn't want him to see anything. But he insisted on coming inside with me. No matter how much I begged him to sit in the car with the doors locked and his head down, he wouldn't stay.

I held his hand while we went inside; both for his safety and because I wanted to. I'd never felt the need to protect someone before. But I really liked the feeling; whatever it meant.

We managed not to see anyone on the way up to my room. Everyone who lived here was either out, or in their rooms doing something disgusting, illegal, or both. I didn't have much to collect. My possessions included a bookbag, some clothes, a stash of cash totalling in $8,000, and a lot of Heroin and LSD. Tanner told me to leave the drugs behind. But I managed to put them all in my bag while he was busy listening to a fight happening in the next room.

I didn't want to lie to him. This boy was doing more for me than anyone else ever had, and he'd known me for less than a day. But getting over my addiction wasn't going to be as easy as leaving my drugs behind.

On the way out of the house, I heard a familiar voice call my name. I turned to it, not ready to deal with him right now. The owner of this house, the main dealer, the person who thought he owned me. He was way bigger than me, and was one of the scariest people I'd ever met.

"Going somewhere?" Joey asked me.

"I'm leaving." I told him, "You can give my room to someone else."

"You know you haven't paid for this month yet, don't you?"

"Here." I said, taking off my bag, "I can give it-"

"No. I don't want money."

I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Normally, I'd just give him what he wanted so it would be over with. But Tanner was standing right behind me.

"I'll give you double if you just let me go."

"Oh, you can leave. I was thinking your friend could pay for you."

"Fuck off, Joey. He's innocent." I snapped at him, tightening my grip on Tanner's hand.

"What? Don't want your little boyfriend cheating on you?" He asked, then directed his speech to Tanner, "I'll warn you now, he's been with hundreds of men."

"That's my fucking job." I groaned, "Or, it was. I'm done, Joey. I'm leaving."

"Oh, really? Scum like you is gonna make something of himself?" He laughed.

"Just let me pay you. How's five hundred? That's two and a half months."

He stood silently, staring at me for a second.

"Give me your bag."

"No."

He didn't ask again, and I didn't stop him from grabbing it out of my hands. I watched him dump the contents of it onto the ground. I didn't even care that I was being robbed again at that point. I watched him take all the money I had, besides three hundred that I'd wisely put in my jeans, but I was just focused on the drugs. I knew Tanner had seen them.

Joey kicked the bag back to me. Then he picked up the plastic bag full of Heroin and syringes, tossing it to me with a smile.

"You'll always be trash, Keaton." He said to me as he left the room, "You'll never change."

I didn't look at Tanner while I stuffed my clothes back into my bag. I was too ashamed of myself. I set the drugs on a table before I turned for the door.

"I'm not mad." Tanner said to me once we got in the car.

"You should be."

"You're addicted, Keaton. It's understandable."

"Doesn't mean it's okay."

"No, it doesn't." He sighed, "But I forgive you."

At that point, I felt something that I'd forgotten about. I felt safe. My body tensed up. My skin, already sore from the withdrawl, got hot. I couldn't believe it when I started crying. I hadn't cried in so long. I thought I'd lost my ability to feel things normal people feel. But with this boy, I was no longer numb.

During the drive home, Tanner just talked. I didn't pay much attention to what he said. But his voice had the power to calm me down, and he could tell, so he just kept rambling. For a while, I just stared at his lips and wondered if what I felt for him was what I hoped it was. I was scared, but I knew that I wanted it to be love. I didn't know what else it could be. Never in my life had I had a real desire to touch someone; to run my fingers over their skin, to kiss their bones, to stare into their eyes for hours . Not just sex, but to really feel them. Just innocent connection, physically and mentally. I'd never had that. But now, with Tanner, it was all I wanted.