Better

Chapter 15

Getting ready to have a baby is especially difficult when no one preparing is actually pregnant. Without the constant reminder of a woman who looked like she swallowed a basketball, it's incredibly easy to forget that it's really happening. All we had were a few doctor's appointments and a due date. Bailey's was on December 31st.

On December 27th, I came home from my double shift at a 24 hour gas station at five in the morning. I'd worked more than I hadn't lately, and I was surprised that I hadn't died from exhaustion yet. But I didn't mind it. Coming home and getting to see Tanner asleep with all his work done and his sanity mostly in check was enough of a reward for me. But I knew that wouldn't be the case for much longer.

"Baby, come to bed." Tanner yawned, sitting up a little.

"I need to shower. I smell like gas."

"You smell fine. You need to sleep, Keaton."

Getting in bed didn't take much convincing. I didn't have much brain power left to argue. So I took off my clothes and climbed in beside him.

"I want you to stop taking doubles, okay? You don't need to kill yourself like this."

"Babies are expensive." I mumbled, already falling asleep.

"I know. But there are three of us, and we all have jobs. We're doing more than fine, my love. I don't like seeing you so drained."

I'd heard him. But by then, I was too out of it to answer. So I just groaned slightly, then let myself pass out. Sadly, his ringtone woke me up just two hours later.

Tanner leaned over me to grab his phone off of the window sill. I watched him with tired eyes as he rubbed his. But he woke up quickly once he answered the call.

"What? Bailey slow down."

I sat up with him when I saw the fear in his eyes.

"Okay. Yeah. We'll be right- No, I know. We'll be right there."

He hung up the phone, then sat silently for a second as he reached for my hand.

"It's happening." He said, smiling as he looked at me.

"But she's not due for a few days."

"She's early." He shrugged, then pushed the blanket away, "I'm about to be a fucking dad."

He had tears in his eyes now, both from happiness and fear.

"Well, I'm gonna go to the hospital. I'll call you when things start happening."

"You don't want me to come?" I asked.

"I want you to sleep." He smiled, kissing me quickly, "It'll still be a few hours."

He got out of bed and quickly changed. Then he kissed me goodbye, and was out the door. My boyfriend was about to have a baby. I was about to become partly responsible for a human life. I never thought I'd be in this situation. But I was just happy I'd made it this far.

I was woken up again at around noon. Tanner said she was ready to go. So I got up and quickly changed, then left for the hospital.

"How's it going?" I asked him when I walked into the waiting room.

"Good, I guess. She started pushing ten minutes ago." He said, standing up and kissing me quickly, "She doesn't want me to watch."

Another hour went by before the doctor came out.

"Good news." She told Tanner, "You have a very healthy baby girl."

I watched his eyes light up as he spoke to her. Seeing him so happy felt good to me. He'd been kind of down lately, stressing about becoming a dad. But now that it was here and happening, I could see he was ready.

We were allowed to see her soon after that. Bailey hadn't wanted to hold her, so we were taken into another room. Tanner sat down on the bed after the baby was given to him. I sat beside him, kissing his shoulder as I watched this baby girl steal his heart.

"She's so little." He whispered, carefully brushing his thumb along her cheek.

"I think she looks like you." I told him.

"Babies all look the same." He laughed.

"Well, she has your eyes." I said, "Look at those things. They're like, giant blue marbles."

He nodded, his smile staying on his lips. Another minute went by before anyone spoke again.

"So are you sticking to the name you picked?" I asked him.

"Lua Claire Dunn." He said quietly, "Yeah. I think it fits her."

He lifted her higher and kissed her head; then moved to pass her to me.

"And if you ever marry me," he said, laughing a little, "I'll put your name on the end."

"Lua Dunn-Leight." I smiled, "That sounds nice. We need to get married tomorrow."

"I'd do it you know." Tanner sighed, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Baby, we haven't hit a year yet."

"I didn't say you had to agree with me. But, I really would. I'm so in love with you, Keaton."

"No, I agree. I love you so much." I sighed, "And I already love this little bean too."

We watched Lua, still in her first hour of life, as she smiled. At least, it looked like a smile. Really, that wouldn't happen for a while. But as she opened her mouth to stretch her little jaw, she looked happy. This little girl was going to be my life now. And even though I was only eighteen, and she didn't have my blood, I was excited for it. I'd never expected to get this far. Not long ago, I'd wanted to be dead.

"I'm proud of you." Tanner said, seeming to read my mind, "You're so strong. Most people don't get so much better so quickly."

"You know I'm not totally fixed though, right?"

"Of course. Once an addict, always an addict." He sighed, "But, you're so much more than that."

I was quiet for a minute, glancing down at the scars on my free arm.

"They'll fade." Tanner told me.

"But they're not gonna disappear. How do I explain this to her?" I asked, motioning to Lua, "I can't tell her what I was, or what I did. I'm not a good role model."

"We've been over this, babe. You're a prime example of strength. We won't tell her specifics until she's old enough to understand. But, she's gonna love you anyway."

"And her teachers? Her friend's parents?"

"If they ask you about scars then they're disgusting people."

I was quiet again, tightening my grip on the baby.

"I like to think we've saved each other." Tanner continued, "I helped you get clean, and you helped me keep from losing my mind. I love you, you love me, and hopefully, Lua's gonna love us. This weird little family is all that matters to me. So I don't give a shit what other people think about you. I know you're an amazing person. I know you're going to be a kick ass dad. And if the things you did while you were hurting ever affect us in the future, then I'll be happy. Because the kind of people who judge others for their pasts aren't the kind of people I want around my daughter. But the kind of people who are strong enough to move on and change their lives, are."