shit

Chapter 22 shitty decisions

I walk down the street I'd spent my whole life on. The bus stop still holds Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny's footprints in the snow. Mine were long faded. I stand in my place one last time. It sucks that the last I'll ever stand here, I won't get to see my friends standing beside me. I continue walking. I remember everything well. I miss this place. I know it had only been a month or two, but it all feels like it's been so long when everything is about to meet its end. I walk up to Kyle's doorstep. I realize how late it is and creep around to his window. I see him falling asleep.

"Kyle, wake up." I tap on the glass.

"Stan? Are you okay?" He opens the window. He can see my eyes are a little puffy.

"Come on, I want to talk. I'll explain soon."

I jump down to the ground. Kyle's still sleepy but follows anyway. He's a great friend. I really hope I don't let him down.
We sit down together by the lake and I explain what had happened to my dad. At this point my face and shirt are soaked with tears. He puts his hand on my shoulders and tells me to go on. I tell him about how I thought he was my drug for happiness until I realized it meant nothing to either of us. Then I talk about Kenny and the traumatizing memories. He still doesn't remember, but he says he will try to understand. He just wants me to keep opening up until I've said everything.

"The shitty add on isn't much help." I sigh. "Alcohol really did help me. That support group is bullshit. They all judged me. It's not supportive when everyone looks at you like you're a freak or anything less than a human. I feel like I'm just drowning in shit. I wish my parents had never split up. I wish I never learned about this death loop. I wish I'd never gotten sick from drinking. I wish I'd never slipped into that coma. I wish I'd never been caught for drinking. I wish my dad could dodge a bullet. I wish I didn't feel the way I feel right now. I wish I never felt so shitty to begin with. Look where all that has brought me."

Kyle looks at me for a moment in confusion. "Where has it brought you?"

"I can't handle living. It's not going to work out for me. I'm sorry."

"Stan, no. You can't do this. I promise you in the end it will get so much better. As cliché as it sounds, just hear me out on this."

"No, Kyle. For a normal person, that might work. But for someone who repeatedly sees shit and it keeps getting worse, it's not going to happen. Life just isn't going to work out for me. I really just wanted to spend my last hour with my best friend. The only thing that hasn't changed. If this is a shitty way of saying goodbye then I'm sorry." I stand up after saying my final words.

"No! Stan please don't do this!" He grips my wrist and tries to pull me back down with him.

He keeps begging me to stay as I keep walking. I can't stand to hear him cry. It's like a dog that you've grown up with and then deciding to leave it alone to fend for itself in the streets.  He's screaming for me to stop. It's making me cry. Sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. I have to go. It's so hard to tell him that.

"Remember everything in the past, Stan! You're my super best friend. I only wanted to die when you die. If you go now, you're taking me down with you." Kyle pins me down.

That's what finally breaks me. I can't let him do this. I tell him I won't do it. I can't keep my promise though. As long as he doesn't know. Before I leave, I give him the biggest hug I possibly can. Only I know it will be our last. He starts to head home. I'm going home too, not to my moms house, not to my old house. It needs to happen. Tonight.