next door » joshler [book #1]

twenty seven » sleep

josh lies with his arms wrapped around tyler, his face nuzzling the boy's neck. the roughness of tyler's wrists as they slide against his skin remind him of what happened, and despite his attempts to fall asleep, the memories act as a sort of insomnia. josh sighs, his breath tickling tyler's neck, resigning himself for yet another sleepless night.

i'm sorry.

the words have been imprinted into his brain ever since tyler spoke them. sorry for cheating. sorry for slitting my wrists.

sorry i didn't die.

josh curls his hand against the fabric of tyler's shirt and lets out a shuddering breath. don't cry, he reprimands himself, but the tears have already begun. for fuck's sake- why is he so weak?

"josh?" comes tyler's voice, gentle and worried. "are you alright?"

he forces out an, "i'm fine," and feels tyler hug him back.

"i love you," he whispers, and josh feels the tears threaten him again.

"i love you too."

he's not quite sure whether either of them mean it. but he doesn't really want to know.

"josh?" tyler asks again.

"mm?"

"i wanted to say i'm sorry again."

and tyler really means it. josh knows he does. but that stupid tiny worm of doubt has threaded into his brain, and it refuses to leave. he exhales slowly.

"i know."

"do you believe me?" tyler's voice is young. he's worried.

"of course i do."

they got back from the hospital three hours ago.

tomorrow, they'll have to face whatever it is that separates them. josh wonders if he'll really move out.

you cheat once, you can cheat again, can't you?

and that's the problem. if he was more controlling, he'd make sure to know tyler's location all the time, make sure the boy never stepped foot towards jenna again. but josh knew what being in a controlling relationship was like. and he wouldn't wish it on anyone.

tyler ruffles his hair, and josh feels a pang in his heart. this is what love is, then. doubtful, stupid, fucked up love, but it's there.

"i don't want to sleep," tyler whispers. "that's when they come for me. in my dreams."

"they?"

"i'm scared, josh." he doesn't answer the question.

"then i won't let you go. i'll be with you. to protect you."

"do you mean it?"

"of course i do."

and josh tightens his grip around tyler.

//favorite bmth song? ((i need recs))//