next door » joshler [book #1]

fifty one » i just rapped all of fall away omg??

a/n: this is pretty triggering just saying. actually most of this book is but like idk

the room is somber. quiet. still.

he is awash with guilt from the moment he regains consciousness. from the moment he realizes that, yet again, he has failed.

the room is nearly silent save for the regular humming of the machines and bustle outside of the door. occasionally, one of the three occupants of the room will let out a tiny, quickly muffled whimper. a sob.

he keeps his breathing still and regular. he doesn't want them to know he's awake. that he's alive.

so fucking stupid that he can't even kill himself properly.

attention-seeking. worthless. useless.

"what if he doesn't wake up?" ryan whispers, his tone heart-breaking, and tyler almost opens his eyes. but at the last moment, he doesn't. because he doesn't want them to worry about him. give up on me, he thinks, trying to project the thoughts onto them. please. i'm not worth your time.

"don't say that," brendon shushes him immediately. "shit, i'm already... i'm gonna fucking cry. i did cry. shit..."

there's a heavy sigh. ryan speaks again. "i just can't believe josh r-refused to show up."

brendon's voice is almost sarcastic. "me neither. almost feel bad for him, don't you? something bad's obviously going on there. i wish we could help him."

tears prick up behind tyler's closed eyes. so goddamn pathetic that not even his near-death experience could interest josh. he's too small, too stupid for josh.

josh. so beautiful, stunning, perfect. tyler idolizes him. every day the guilt eats away at him. the guilt at not being good enough. not good enough for josh.

mitch is better for josh, and tyler is being eaten alive by jealousy.

"i just wish i knew what was going through tyler's head. why would he do that?" ryan is frustrated. it's easy to hear. tyler agrees with him. why would he do that? why not go with a better, easier option? shoot himself in the head? a more surefire way. why did he go with crashing the car?

because he's a fucking coward, that's why.

"i don't know," brendon mutters eventually, and his voice is getting thick. choked up. no, tyler thinks frantically, don't cry. not for me. please. "but he must've had a good reason."

"no," ryan manages. "there's no good reason. no good reason for him to leave us."

there's a good reason i tried to do this, honey, you just haven't figured it out yet, tyler thinks sarcastically.

although he hasn't figured it out yet either.

but it probably has something to do with josh.

-

he stares at the tiny blue pill in his hand, his third one of the day. behind him, mitch is talking on the phone. arguing loudly with everyone. he'd ordered josh to take the pill. as he does every day.

josh closes his fist around the pill and slowly puts it in his pocket.

he looks up at mitch, who isn't paying any attention, and smiles.

the guilt, guilt at lying to his boyfriend, will come soon, but for now, ecstatic at this tiny act of rebellion, josh lets himself grin as widely as he can.

and tyler flickers through his mind again.

something tells him that he should call the boy. the still muddled part of his brain refuses that immediately. don't you dare!! it screams. don't you dare defy mitch!!

"can i call tyler?" josh asks quietly.

mitch freezes.

slowly, he sets the phone down. a muscle in his cheek twitches as his jaw hardens. "what did you say?" he asks, calmly, but a twitching eye gives it away. a shaking hand. a neck that's beginning to flush red.

"can i call tyler?" josh repeats just as evenly, smiling innocently. as if he doesn't understand what fury is soon to be unleashed.

"no," mitch answers, his eyes like steel. "no. you cannot contact tyler. he is bad for you. do you understand?"

fidgeting, josh stares at his feet. "aw. i really wanted to..."

in an instant he feels himself pushed up against the wall, so roughly that his head smacks against the hard surface. another 'no' is growled into his ear. "don't you fucking dare," mitch hisses. "you belong to me. not to him. do you understand that, you little slut?"

josh whimpers a little. he feels so wrong for wanting this. wanting mitch's anger.

knowing he will be punished.

and wanting it.