Nearly Departed
Dear Mama,
I killed again today.
There were no warnings, no sign of the danger.
I began the day like any other, waking up, making my cereal,
Barely missing the bus.
I walked to school. There were puddles from yesterday,
Did I tell you it had rained? I walked right through them.
I'm sorry, but I've almost ruined the sneakers you gave me.
I'll have to buy new ones, and to do that I'll have to kill again.
It never ends does it, the need, the want for something?
If it's not food or rent then it's clothing, toiletries.
Who made this human body so flawed that requires
Constant maintenance? I would ask the Big Guy, but I
Doubt he'd hear me. Or listen, I don't know.
There are too many starving children to take care of.
To many wars to win. Too many lives to lose.
I guess I should tell you about it, shouldn't I?
What I did.
I killed myself. I got down and I begged them,
Just like you taught me. They jeered and kicked me
But I gritted by teeth and took it, slowly dying inside.
I killed so that Dad and I wouldn't get evicted.
If there's any reason it would be that right? I
Have to. Dad has nothing left to give you know.
I have to feed him.
He's already dead inside. But I didn't kill him like I did
You.
I'm so sorry Mama.
I'm so sorry this is what my life has become.
I should have listened to you, I shouldn't have trusted those gang bangers,
But I don't know what to do now.
You were right all along, they were never my friends.
I know you didn't want me walking that path like you did,
Didn't want me making those connections,
But I admired you so much. I still do.
You were the strongest person in my life.
I thought I could measure up, but I couldn't.
I-I think they might start asking for more, Mama.
What happens when they demand something I can't give?
What if they want what I'm saving? I don't know if I could take it.
I've already died so many times, killed myself by going to them.
I'm breaking.
I'm broken.
I don't know what to do.
Please Mama, give me some advice.
Something to make sure I can get up in the morning and feed myself. Feed dad.
I can take the little things;
The wet shoes,
Walking to school,
I can handle that.
But what can I do when everything I love about myself is being given to
Them?
I said I never would again but...I'm sorry Mama. I promised never to really kill after
What happened to you. I can take it.
Even if they crush every inch of me I can take it.
The only thing I have left is my word, and I will never give that up.
I'll do this, Mama. I'll do it for you, for dad. Whatever it takes.
However many times I need to die to find a better place,
I'll do it.
I'll see you soon, Mama. You save me a good seat up there, me and Dad both.
Until next we speak,
Cherie
