Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Leaving Me Completely

"So, what's going on between you and that guy?" Jenny asked me over lunch at her apartment the next day.
"Derek?"
"Yeah. Him. Anything good?"
I smiled. "I guess so. He spent the night."
Jenny looked shocked. "What? Why the fuck didn't you tell me? Oh my God, are you pregnant? Sara."
"Woah. Hold up. No. No, not at all," I said.
"Not even a little?"
"You can't just be a little pregnant!"
"So you are pregnant?" Jenny asked.
"No! I'm not pregnant! He came over. We fell asleep. Together. But not that type of together," I said, before she could make any more assumptions. "Not, like, together-together. We fell asleep on the couch. We woke up at three A.M. Nothing happened."
Jenny made a face. "You didn't even kiss him?"
"Yes, I kissed him. A few times. Why do you care so much?"
"I don't know," Jenny said. "I just want you to be happy. You've been screwed over so many times."
"You don't say."
"I mean, like, I hope this one works out."
"Thanks. Me too," I said.
"Can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"Are you sure, though, he's not just your fill-in boyfriend?" Jenny asked. "Because I've totally been there. Like, you think you're in love, but you're not."
Was he? I considered this for a moment. I wasn't in love with him yet; we hadn't been seeing each other for that long yet. But he made me happy when I was around him, and I got some of the same feelings I had with Javier. So he couldn't be filling in for him.
"No, I don't think so," I said. "We're not in love, but I really like him. He makes me happy. He's not filling in for Javi. This feels different."
"Better?"
"I mean... I don't know. I loved Javi. I don't know."
"Okay. 'Cause I met this guy at a party, Grey... he's pretty cute. More your type, though."
I shook my head. "Nah. Not interested."
Jenny laughed. "Probably for the better. He seems weird. Who names their kid Grey?"
I shrugged.
"You okay?" Jenny asked. "You seem quiet."
"I'm fine. But now that you mention Javi..."
"Oh, shit, sorry. It's touchy."
"No, no, it's not that," I said. "I'm pretty much over him. I told him that. But now that you mention him, there's something else I should have told him."
"When you talked?"
"Yeah. Would it be weird to tell him now?" I asked.
"I don't think so. You were head over heels for each other. There's not rules or anything."
I nodded. "I don't know..."
"Tell him! Go on. It'll be fine."
I pulled out my phone and dialed his number manually. It felt weird that I had deleted his number after that phone call, not thinking I'd need it anymore.
"Who is this?" Javier asked when he answered. He had deleted mine too. It stung a little, but I didn't feel like I was going to burst out crying. "We" just wasn't there anymore. And I was okay.
"It's me," I said, knowing he knew my voice.
"Sara? Why are you calling?"
I sighed. "Look, I know this is weird, but there's something you need to know." I looked over at Jenny, who was looking at me expectantly. "I need you to know that even though we broke up, even though I said everything when we talked a few weeks ago, even though I have someone new... that I'm glad I had you. I told you this, but seriously. You changed my life. You brought out something in me that I didn't see before. You made me into me. You taught me it's okay to be hurt and shit, but that I'm stronger than that. And that I can forgive. You made me happy. And even though it's not the same anymore, it doesn't have to be. So thank you for leaving my life but not leaving me completely."
I waited on Javier's next words, letting go of everything that had happened for good this time.
"Wow, Sara... I feel the same way. And I'm sorry. For everything. I'm glad you're happy... I'll never forget you."
I smiled. "You too."
"Um, I guess I'll see you around, then," Javier said. "I... I love you, Sara."
No. What the hell was I supposed to say?
The only thing that came to mind was the words I had said at the end of the last call to him. "Bye, Javi."
I hoped he could hear me smiling, I hoped he didn't take it the wrong way. Because I wasn't mad. But I wasn't sad anymore, either. I had let go, said goodbye, and I was ready for so much more.