Shadows (A Sara Bareilles fanfic)

Final Goodbye

I closed the door to the guest room and dialed the number I still knew by heart. It was a comforting, if unsettling, feeling, and I debated on deleting it from my phone- and memory, if possible- altogether after this (hopefully) final call. The phone rang three times until I heard the deep, sultry voice that made my heart flutter a little.
"Ba- Sara?" he said. He had almost called me babe. After all this time, he had still almost called me babe. Or was it because he had someone else he referred to as "babe?" I swallowed back a sick feeling and took a deep breath.
"Yeah. Hi." I vowed I would keep this call as un-awkward, weird, as possible. I was only telling him it was over, that I knew we weren't good for each other, that he had no need to call me anymore. Although some small, regretful part of me hoped he still would try to reach out and beg me back. "Um," I began, "Look. We need to talk." I looked around the pink walls of the room and into the mirror at my reflection, trying to block out the mental images of him strutting happily down along the streets of L.A. with another girl on his arm. I remembered the words I had said to him a little after the time when I first found out he cheated, about 5 years ago- "I might not be the girl you want now, but I'll be the one you think about in five years when you're fucking your boring-ass wife." My stomach dropped as I thought about the fact that that might be the reality now, even if we had stayed together those five years and tried to work it out. Javier's voice interrupted my thoughts, and I braced myself for the words I had a feeling would come.
"Sara? Are you there?... is this about getting back together?"
I felt a wave of strength flood over me, knowing this was exactly what I needed to do.
"No," I said. "It's the opposite of that. You've been calling, texting, trying to get to me 24/7."
"Uh... yeah," Javi said, his tone curious. "I'm sorry, I just-"
"No. Don't be sorry. I get it. Trust me... I do. But I've been thinking, and... and I don't need this. I really, really loved our relationship. I swear. It was... you were the first guy I was truly, completely in love with. But it didn't work. And as much as I hate that, it's never going to work, and I have to accept that." I was crying despite the need I felt to say my next words, and for a split-second I imagined Javier taking me in his arms again, kissing my tears away the way he always had, even when he was the reason I was upset. I took a breath and began to speak when he did. I let him continue.
"Don't cry." His voice sounded protective, and suddenly I felt small.
"No. It's fine," I said. "Okay... I don't wanna do this anymore. We're not supposed to be together. I'm glad 'we' happened, and I wouldn't take it back, but we can't get it back. And I honestly don't know if I want to. I need to move on, and so do you. So I called to say... please don't call me, or text me, or anything, anymore. We both know it'd be better." I could barely breathe. This was by far the hardest thing I'd ever done. But after debating countless times, almost saying it, almost taking him back, it felt good to know that there was no "almost" anymore. It wasn't "almost" what I needed. It was what I needed more than anything, and for once I didn't feel his gravity pulling me down.
Javier was silent for a moment. Then he sighed. "Sara... I know. I wish I could take everything back. I'm gonna wish that for the rest of my life... but I don't want you wishing that, too. If this is what you want, then go. You deserve so much more than this. You don't need to go through hell anymore." His voice was shaky, and I wondered if he, too, was crying. "I miss you, Sara. And I'm sorry. I hope you get everything you deserve."
"You, too," I said. "I forgive you. I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I did... and thanks. For everything." I wanted to whisper the words "I love you," one last time, but it wouldn't have been appropriate. So I just waited for him to say something.
"So... goodbye, Sara."
"Goodbye, Javi."